Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Scatological Amber and her GNADS

I have always had issues with shaving my legs.

1. I hate doing it. I have scars from accidental cuttings. It's time consuming and my sensitive skin gets all bumpy.

When I was a teenager (12/13-ish) I BEGGED for an Epilady. I saw the commercials, it looked easy and great and kept the leg hair away for weeks. I bought the As Seen On Television hype, fell for it hook, line and sinker. So, for Christmakuh that year guess what I got?

No, not an amazing Ginsu Knife set - an Epilady!

Guess how many times I used it?

Half.

Half a leg. It hurt so bad I cried and couldn't get through the first leg.

Epilady sat on the shelf in its nice fabric carry bag and cardboard box collecting dust. I don't know what eventually happened to it or the long handled 'shoulder massager' that sat next to it in the top of the closet, but I have fond and not so fond memories of them both.

Next up was NADS - another As Seen On Television product (you'd think I would learn) - and it fared about as well as the Epilady. And by that, I mean I got about halfway through a leg and had to stop. Mostly cause I couldn't get the fabric strips to stick right to the NAD glop on my leg - but when I did manage to rip leg hair out, it hurt like a mother ******. I thought because it was an Australian product it would work better than the Epilady (that was scatological* thinking), but it was another epic leg hair removal failure.

PS: From now on in my mind I am spelling NADS 'GNADS' in honor of The Monster Squad.

I have done the obligatory bikini waxes, and they work, but hurt like a sonofabitch, so I have decided not to put my legs through that particular Hell.

Which leads me, finally, to my latest endeavor:

Nair (What's with the leg hair removal community's predilection for creating products starting with N?)

I am a recent convert to depilatory cream. It works and it doesn't hurt...but I think it has burned off a couple of moles on my thigh. They were there pre-Nair and now they are MIA.

I have put away my razor - for now - and we can only hope to see what the future will bring.

The End
Or
Just The Beginning

(take a bow)



*Look up the word: scatological. Hehehe.



44 comments:

  1. Good call on avoiding the wax; IME waxing legs hurts more than brazilian! Another good product - Veet. Sort of a depilatory cream and a scraper in combo.

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  2. oh my god, I totally tried the Epilady once as a young teen, too, and also cried after one teensy small section on my poor, battered leg. It's super ridiculous the things we put ourselves through, but I *hate* leg hair so much. I may have to see how I feel about Nair. (once knew a fella who burned the crap outta his head using it for that "just bic-ed" bald look. I've been gun-shy about it ever since.)

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  3. My wife also had an epic fail using the Epilady. Shaving is hard on the legs good luck with your creams.

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  4. Have to put in a plug for my fave razor: the Intuition. Don't like that it's pretty darned non-Earth friendly, but I've had the fewest nicks from it, and it's super fast. I still get nicks from time to time, but it only happens about once every 30-50 shaves, and as I shave once a week, I'm ok with that. My biggest hazards when shaving is a raised mole on one ankle (a safe mole, I've had it checked out!) and some bumpy scar tissue on one of my shins, the result of a theatre accident. [Unfortunately, that injury was not from performing or practicing, but from attending a theatre production. Yes, there was wine involved. Yes, I'm clumsy.] Those little sandpapery mitts that you rub on your legs -- I have some "Hair Off" brand -- work really well, but they take for bloody ever.

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  5. The Epilady...good gravy, that thing was HORRID! I don't know that I've ever seen such blatant false advertising. Happy ladies sat in towels epiladying their cares away - the reality was horribly painful. It was the first time that I ever felt like a company lied to me.

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  6. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks an epilady hurts too frakking much to use! I can usually handle quite a lot of pain, but those things are just MEAN! Cream stiiiinks though, and I don't think it can be healthy if it manages to burn away something that's stronger than iron X-D

    I use an electric trimmer on the shortest setting, who cares it's far from a close shave, at least my legs stay alive and well that way :-P

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  7. Seems quote appropriate.. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK.

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  8. Yeah, I never liked shaving my legs. Also, I always thought it's a really discriminatory practice because apparently only women are expected to do it. Men can easily get away with hairy legs and hairy armpits. It's no fair!

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  9. Joe aka AmberAddictAugust 7, 2012 at 12:15 PM

    As I said before firstly this blog made me glad I've never had to shave my legs. I had to you probably find me dead in a pool of my own blood. I'm no good with blades of any discription. I'm sorry about your scars you weren't dumb enough to stab yourself in the hand like me. I was trying to get the new roll of sticky tape started & thought I'd use my pen knife. (use it to find the edge to peel it off) I missed and stuck it stright into my hand the scar is still there today. Hence why I avoid blades when ever possibe. At least your scars were the result of something you had to do whereas I'm just a klutz. I too have fallen victim to the siren song of the infomercial. I still have an "amazing" neck pillow that was going to change my life. It was so uncomfortable I used it twice these days it wrapped around the end of my bed. We've all do it I'm off to look up the word scatological. :)

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  10. As a warning, don't use Nair on the ladybits. The results can be devastatingly painful.

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  11. I assume Nair is short for No Hair?

    NADS is obviously short for gonads... no wait.
    No 'Air Down South, maybe?

    -S

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    1. It was named after the daughter of the woman who invented it.

      I think her name was Nadine or Nadia or something. If they put an apostrophe in there it would save all this confusion. ;-)

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  12. My niece was another victim of the dreaded Epilady.

    The things we do to women ....

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  13. Ha! That is some funny shit.

    I started getting a couple of moles on my thigh...

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  14. I read this a few years ago, thought it'd fit perfect here.All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... The wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

    (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... Right!")

    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

    It works!

    Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

    I can do this!

    Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

    (Yes, it was a long strip)
    I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!

    I'm blind! Blinded from pain!...OH MY GOD!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!

    Another deep breathe and RRIIP!

    Everything is swirly and spotted.

    I think I may pass out...Must stay conscious...

    Do I hear crashing drums?

    Breathe, breathe...

    OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

    I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

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  15. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

    I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

    I touch. I am touching wax.

    CRAP!

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

    Then I make the next BIG mistake... Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

    I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    DANG!

    I hear the slamming of a cell door.

    "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

    Butt? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!

    I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?

    WRONG!

    I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

    Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

    She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH! RIGHT! ! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... The lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

    I rub some on and OH MY GOD!

    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

    It's so painful, but I really don't care.

    "IT WORKS! It works!"

    I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!

    So I recklessly sh ave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

    I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now that's funny...... Notttt.

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    Replies
    1. OMG, this made me laugh/cry/guffaw in horror. What a story! Hysterical in a really disturbing way :)

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    2. Omg I must share this with others it's just hysterical.

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    3. This story is just the most funny one I have read in days! Hehe

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    4. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. If you don't have your own blog or write professionally, you should consider it! Thanks for the best laugh I've had in a while. : )

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  16. Had to post in two parts, sorry.

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  17. I use razors and I shave in the bath. Maybe twice a week. I wear Tara-length skirts so I don't really need to bother but I dislike the feel of hair on my legs.

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  18. As for depilatory cream, not a good idea when you have affectionate cats who seem to like the smell of these products.

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  19. OMG -- I totally relate to the Gnads issue. Got some for myself when I was sucked in by the infomercial years ago. It was hideous. Had blood blisters in the bikini line area. Depilatory cream is great, just watch out for the privates. I would tell you a great way to protect them but it's really, really graphic. Hmmm... how to do it discreetly. It involves the lid of deoderant. Like the stick kind of deoderant.

    I knew the word Scatological. Sometimes I wish I didn't know these things.
    ANYWAY...

    Best of luck with the Dep cream!

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  20. You know what's HILARIOUS is the fact that there's an ad for the "NoNo" hair removal system at the top of the page.

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    1. So long as you don't buy it - it doesn't work. At all. Holy crap. Hurts like a mo-fo and your house will smell like burnt hair for days.

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  21. I hate shaving. I don't do it a lot in the winter (bonus of cold climates and being married to a woman who doesn't care.) In the summer I have to shave every other day and it's a pain. I once tried waxing but didn't find it lasted long and there were little hairs left over so I felt like I went through that pain for nothing. Anyway shaving = evil. Evil evil evil. And when I was younger, they made a joke on "Cheers" about shaving fingers and toes so I did that and now I have to keep shaving my damn feet because once you shave, you can't go back. Isn't that a famous saying?

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  22. Disasters in hair removal ... remember sugaring? Same idea as waxing, but oh so much nicer for your skin & the ancient Egyptians used to do it ... oh yeah. Liars. Just, no. Stupid hype is stupid.

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  23. I remember the epilady commercials and thinking they looked like torture devices. My girlfriend swears by Veet. She tried all the other other methods (except for the epilady, she thought it looked torturous too) and found that Veet and Nair were the only things that worked and weren't incredibly painful. Love the blog by the way.
    Actually going to meet you this weekend in Chicago at comiccon. Maybe I'll see how the experiment is going.

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  24. I'm stuck with my razor. My skin is so sensitive that even the Nair marketed for sensitive skin is too harsh. Plus the smell lasts for days and is not pleasant to my nose at all. Recently tried a wax type product and that didn't work at all.

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  25. By the time I got old enough to shave my sister had already tried epilady, and I also looked at it and wondered how anyone could think battery-powered rotating springs could be a good way to remove hair from one's body.

    When I do shave (which is generally only during summer shorts season because I don't wear dresses, meaning pants only in the winter) I use the Intuition. I swear by it. No extra shaving lotion to buy and I never nick myself.

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  26. SO you're talking no hair removal and-(scatological)=the study of shit

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  27. I looked up scatological, but it used the word prurient in the definition. So now I'm off to look up that word...

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  28. I admit to being typical macho chauvinist wiseguy when it comes to a woman's legs and underarms, but arm "surface" hair itself (particularly fine fuzz like Smidge has) I find very attractive.

    Yeah, Nair probably emans "No Hair" or "Not Hair;" when I first invented my fantasy fiction setting as a teenager, I called it "Nearth." (It's now called the Six worlds, and given enough lifetimes you might see a novel or two set there.) DaddyCatALSO

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  29. Reading this (Incl. comments) ...I'm happy that I have to shave only my face and chest.

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  30. Just found this:

    About Amber

    Amber stirs the soul, delights the eye, warms the heart and excites the world’s scientific imagination.

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  31. I use intuition for my armpits but whenever I try it on my legs I end up with hairy patches because I'm nearsighted and can't see what areas I'm missing while in the shower. So I've resorted to Veet Razera. It's not bad if you can withstand the smell.

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  32. I started losing my hair (yes, MALE pattern baldness) at 17, which I guess is as good a reason as any for me to keep my beard and to not manscape (hell, up until a few years ago...and I am, eh, middle-aged...I wore a ponytail until some little smartass commented that, unbound, my remaining hair looked like a mullet). I guess what I'm trying to say is: if it literally hurts to follow conventional beauty standards, then like in the joke, don't do that. As hard as it must be, there must be a gentler solution. Perhaps that's what it will be: a solution composed of something that will care for your gently.

    I'm rambling again...

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  33. Continuing from above...

    Typo time: that's supposed to be "care for you gently."

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  34. Oh my gosh!!! This is hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing and totally relating to this (an exclamation point seems too dramatic to end this sentence, but a period seems too serious, so I settled for this awkward ending)
    I knew Amber was awesome from the Rocky Horror performance, and incredible from playing a vulnerable but strong and sweet Tara, but now, now Amber is officially THE COOLEST

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  35. i tried to remove a few hairs form between my brows with nads fright before a comic convention in boston in 05 i think. i walked around for weeks with a burn.

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  36. Hey amber,
    Just happened to stumble upon your blog. Anyway you haven't mentioned the No No hair remover ! Buy it and tell me how it I'd cuz I've been dying to know,know . Look it up at Sephora.

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  37. Cheryl. Kensington. Aka echo girl

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