Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Scatological Amber and her GNADS

I have always had issues with shaving my legs.

1. I hate doing it. I have scars from accidental cuttings. It's time consuming and my sensitive skin gets all bumpy.

When I was a teenager (12/13-ish) I BEGGED for an Epilady. I saw the commercials, it looked easy and great and kept the leg hair away for weeks. I bought the As Seen On Television hype, fell for it hook, line and sinker. So, for Christmakuh that year guess what I got?

No, not an amazing Ginsu Knife set - an Epilady!

Guess how many times I used it?


Half a leg. It hurt so bad I cried and couldn't get through the first leg.

Epilady sat on the shelf in its nice fabric carry bag and cardboard box collecting dust. I don't know what eventually happened to it or the long handled 'shoulder massager' that sat next to it in the top of the closet, but I have fond and not so fond memories of them both.

Next up was NADS - another As Seen On Television product (you'd think I would learn) - and it fared about as well as the Epilady. And by that, I mean I got about halfway through a leg and had to stop. Mostly cause I couldn't get the fabric strips to stick right to the NAD glop on my leg - but when I did manage to rip leg hair out, it hurt like a mother ******. I thought because it was an Australian product it would work better than the Epilady (that was scatological* thinking), but it was another epic leg hair removal failure.

PS: From now on in my mind I am spelling NADS 'GNADS' in honor of The Monster Squad.

I have done the obligatory bikini waxes, and they work, but hurt like a sonofabitch, so I have decided not to put my legs through that particular Hell.

Which leads me, finally, to my latest endeavor:

Nair (What's with the leg hair removal community's predilection for creating products starting with N?)

I am a recent convert to depilatory cream. It works and it doesn't hurt...but I think it has burned off a couple of moles on my thigh. They were there pre-Nair and now they are MIA.

I have put away my razor - for now - and we can only hope to see what the future will bring.

The End
Just The Beginning

(take a bow)

*Look up the word: scatological. Hehehe.

Monday, August 6, 2012

ADDENDUM - History

I read and write. I write and read. They go hand in hand for me. I tell stories. I make them up in my head. If you cross my path, I'll probably make up a story about you. That's how it works in my brain.

Right now I am standing on a Brooklyn street corner(ish) and the man in the plaid shirt is:

A member of the Muslim Brotherhood. He only joined because his older brother did. He hates spaghetti with a passion because it reminds him of the worms his brother forcefed him when he was four.

And so it goes...I do this for everyone.

That's writing and it is just a part of me. Has been since I could form a conscious thought.

I've written crappy poetry. Crappy short stories. Crappy plays. Crappy screenplays.

I've written some stuff I am proud of. But it's a small percentage.

Am I a good writer? Shit, I don't know. Read the Mavis Gallant journal excerpts in The New Yorker (with what looks like a Doctor Obama on the cover) and you will have an insight into how I think about writing.

I don't write because I'm trying to get somewhere (lies!) but because I have to write. (Both are true.)

Acting is parallel to and completely separate from my writing. One informs the other, but they are wholly separate endeavors.

If I didn't act, I would still write.

If I didn't write, I would still act.

I don't know where my ideas come from.

I like the idea of picking them like rotting fruit from the branches of the collective unconscious.

I also like the idea that I have a muse (somewhere) who feeds me all the good stuff. (Lots of food analogies, I must be hungry.)

I sit down. I open my computer. I put my headphones in my ears. I turn on music. I put my fingers on MacBook keyboard. (Outrageous product placement in hopes of free stuff! Apple, I'm talking to you.)

I try and write 1500 words a day (that's Monday thru Friday for me) and that's it. Thats me. Amber. Writer. Numbnut extraordinaire.

(take a bow)
(get off the street corner)
(@darkoverorg hope this clears things up and makes us even Steven on the cheating)

Because You Asked

(This post came directly out of a comment from Twitter user @darkoverorg*)

Advice first.  History later.

You wanna write?  Then write.  Seems basic, right?  But it's not.  I meet so many people who 'talk' about writing, but don't actually sit down and put pen to paper, ink to quill, fingers to typewriter keys, brain to computer.

My friend and fellow writer and 'maker of things', Doug Petrie, once said something to me that really stuck.  He was talking about filmmaking, but to me, it applies to any creative endeavor.

Now I'm paraphrasing here, but the thrust of what he said is this:

When you make a film you become someone who made something and cease to be someone who 'talks' about making something.
It's a clearly defined line. 

Even if what you make is crap, it doesn't matter. YOU MADE IT!!  That's the beginning of your career as a maker of things: writer, filmmaker, artist, crafter, actor, singer, dancer, mime, musician...all of these start with the urge to make something and then continue with the 'action' of indulging that urge.

You wanna write, go write.

So you're writing - first step accomplished - how do you get it out to the world, so you can be praised and ridiculed (usually at the same time) by the mass of men?

It's easy and not easy.

Easy first.


1. Fan Fiction

Fifty Shades of Grey, people!!  I've said it before and I'll say it again (with back-up now that the FSG books are major league famous): Write what you love, put it on the internet and share it with all the other people who love what you love.  'Nuf said.

2. Blog

Write a blog.  Write about your life.  Include fiction/non-fiction pieces you are working on. (I've done it on this blog.)  See: John Scalzi & Pamela Ribon - they give good blog and are shining examples of what I'm taking about

3. Publish Yourself, Yourself

People do it every day and some of them make a hell of a lot more money on their books than I do.

Now the Hard Stuff:


1. Get An Agent

Go online, get agency info and send a whole hell of a lot of query letters out into the universe.  Make your query letter interesting.  Someone might actually bite - and if they do then it's worth all the effort.  The agent is your entree into the publishing world.  Without them, it is very hard to get stuff read by editors.

2. Writer's Conferences

Go to them.  Go to the ones where they have editors and agents you can pitch to.  It's a shot in the dark - but like querying for agents, if someone bites then it's worth the money and effort.

This ends the ADVICE portion of our blog post.

Now on to the HISTORY portion of our blog.

How did I get published...?  It's a cheating story.  I took the twenty plus years of struggle and rejection I've endured as an actor and credited it toward the publishing world. 

And I had a leg up because of a little show called BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

So I don't recommend attempting my journey.  It's a way longer way than you want to traverse in order to get your writing out there.  See the ADVICE section and use that bit as your guide, or, as I like to say:



(take a bow)


*Just FYI.