Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I Finally Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

This is a question that has eluded me for a long time now - thirty-five years to be exact.  Recently, I've been telling people  I want to be a 'Maker Of Things'.  That this phrase is what I want on my tombstone:

Amber Benson
Maker Of Things
RIP

But that's not exactly true.  I do want to make things, but I want to make specific things.  I want to make the things I want to make, that interest me and that I want to see - and fuck you, if you don't like it.

I'm tired of worrying what you think.  As painful and frightening as it is for me to write this...well, it's true.

I don't want you to like me anymore.  I don't care whether what I say offends you or not.  I'm just gonna be myself and if you don't like it, I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

And if you like it.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Wow, that feels pretty goddamned good.

Watched that amazing Woody Allen documentary - watched both parts - and I realized that's what I want to be when I grow up.  I want to be making stuff because I have to, because it's what I'm meant to do, because it stops me from thinking about dying.  Because the busier I am, the less I think about dying.  One movie a year to keep death at bay.  Amazing!

I watch that Louie CK show and that's what I want to be when I grow up.  I want to be bluntly honest and real and embarrassing and embarrassed.  I want to say things you don't like, that are true (at least to me) and that make me laugh.

I want to say screw you to anyone who says I'm not funny.  Because you know what.  I'm funny.  And if you don't get it then it's not meant for you.

I'm dark and mean on the inside.  I'm sweet and nice on the inside.  I'm a bloody rainbow swirl.  All of it and its opposite.

Goodnight.






69 comments:

  1. I am in love with this post. Fantastic!

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  2. WOW! Blunt and to the point. I agree with you that whatever it is you create it has to be for you first and foremost. if it doesn't inspire your passion then whatever it is won't ring with any real truth. So go for it, follow your passion as I think a lot of us, myself amongst them, want to see what you will create next.

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  3. You are way too awesome for words.

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  4. Good for you. Be who you are and don't worry what all of us think.

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  5. I like you, and I don't care if you don't care! :)

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  6. I love you so much.

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  7. I think you are totally right! Screw the comments, remarks and criticism everybody seems to have about everyone else these days.

    I don't think you're funny, I think you're hilarious. But that's because I also have a strange mind and a weird sense of humor. But well, you don't care ;)

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  8. I think that most of your fans are going to love you anyway. Even if you don't care. That's what I do. And one of the things that are the best of you is that you are real. You don't create false image of yourself. You're real human (with all the imperfections as well as virtues). Just like each one of us. And that's also what I love about Calliope.

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  9. Had that realization not too long ago myself, 'cept mine was "Science! I want to do Science to it!" WTG, awesome lady. :-)

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  10. Crack makes me write lots of weird shit too. You are funny though. Girrr arrrrg.

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  11. Whoa. I dunno if that should end my night, or start my morning... I think you just blew my mind, partly because I haven't slept and what you wrote is some deep shit for 5am, and partly because that's pretty much how I feel, or wish I could feel (when I'm in front of the world and doing all my thinking out loud)... I want a bloody rainbow swirl tombstone too...

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  12. Although there is nothing wrong in actually caring that people like you for what you do. You have to do it for yourself first and don't care about the detractors but do enjoy and appreciate the support as we like both you the artist and you the person, to many of us, it is both those factors entwined that make us fans :)

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  13. I suppose whatever I say, you don't care so ...

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  14. One more thing. Does it all mean that you are going to finally tell your psycho-fans to fuck off? :) As of what I see you have plenty of those and it's disturbing. I'm grateful that I'm me and I don't have to deal with stalking-psycho-fanbase.

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    1. Does AMber have pyscho fans? I knowthere are some pretty passionate fans on twitter but I've not seen any psycho fans per se.

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    2. Some of them look pretty psycho to me. I don't know what Abmer thinks, but some (just a few) of them are really creepy and act stalkish. Well in social media like Twitter the border between following someone, and actually stalking them is kinda blurry. In my opinion of course :)

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    3. Guess it would depend on the definition of stalking I suppose. I agree on twitter that line can be blurred. My worry ultimately that I might have inadvertently made the stalker list (which has never ever been my intent).

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    4. Haha! I'm not the one to judge, you know ;) But I think I see mostly women. Women with different kinds of issues. And it scares me, and I totally can't get it.
      Also, I think it doesn't really depend on definition, but rather on your own feelings. You know - you're stalked if you feel stalked.
      And I want to say that I don't have in mind anyone in paraticular, and I don't want to judge, or offend Amber's fans (there are lots of great people). I just don't get it.

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  15. Joe aka AmberAddictJuly 4, 2012 at 5:38 AM

    I'm glad you are going to make what you want! I became a fan of your work because I liked what you do and person you are. That won't change I love your sense of humour and the passion you have for what you want to achieve. To quote Engineblow "I like you, and I don't care if you don't care"

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  16. PART 1

    Okay...so, just an FYI...it's coming. You know how I ramble, but its coming. You're in for it. I actually was sleeping and fell asleep with the TV (as usual) and something on it scared me and I woke up and checked my phone to see if my gf had texted me - or anyone for that matter. Saw there were new blog posts by ppl I follow so I checked. Now, thanks to you, I am up because I have about 102 things to say.

    As I was reading, and came across the phrase "I want to make the things I want to make, that interest me and that I want to see - and fuck you, if you don't like it" all I could cry out was "yea!!!" LOL I'm a dork I know it. Seriously, good girl! Its about fucking time. I think I have posted - more than once throughout different blogs - two simple words...fuck them. That is my favorite phrase and it will continue to be.

    Being a lesbian has probably made me a master of saying "fuck you" and knowing if people don't like me...well, I really don't give a fuck. And if I offend you...oops. I can't even apologize for it. Too bad, so sad get the hell over it. I offend people every single day because I'm blunt, I don't believe in sugar coating and well, I like women. Can't help that one! lol When I came out, I lost every single member of my family - except for my sister - and I lost nearly every single friend. I had no one. They all told me that "they'd be my friend" or "I can come back to the family" if I got "help". Help? HELP?! Help for what? I don't think there's exactly a pill or a "patch" that curbs your liking of or craving for...well...pussy. If baffled me and it hurt me because these people who were supposed to love me not matter WHAT abandoned me during a time that I was confused and battling who I was and what I wanted to be. The time I needed my mom the most she looked at me in disgust because I felt safe in another woman's arms. I had to get hard fast. Calloused. Because it hurt like fucking hell. Through the years, some family and friends have come back but I don't hide. I live by the means that I am many things but the most important thing in this life that I will ever be is ME and if you don't like it... well my dear...fuck you. I went many years without ANYONE but myself and I don't need anyone but myself.

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  17. PART 2

    You are a storyteller and as a storyteller you have the ability to be brutally honest and only the great ones are. It's what sets apart the fluff and the people that want to say things. I mean, I've noticed this even with the Callie books. There's a message in those books - more than one actually. My friend who said you remind her of Madeline L'Engle...well personally I don't think I could compare GOD to Madeline L'Engle because she is this goddess to me and I don't compare people to others regardless. However, I can see how and why she said that. L'Engle writes about things...concepts, ideas...sends messages through this world that just....sucks you in. Callie does the same thing as I'm sure anything else you would write. You have a voice and you have changed lives just by merely existing. However, its time to stop living and making things for others. You have to be thoroughly content with who you see in the mirror every single day. Otherwise...whats the fuckin' point?

    I am on journey - I've told you about this journey. I am 26 and I am going to figure out what the hell causes Autism and THEN I am going to fix it. I have so many people telling me so many negative things - and then I have people telling my positive things. Well guess what...I DON'T CARE. I am not doing it for them, I am doing it for ME. AND now, out of...I'm not sure... insanity maybe? I have recently (as of yesterday) just decided to embark on a new quest while I'm working towards this longer one. I told Joe (AmberAddict) yesterday when I decided. I am going to write my story. There is some girl out there in this world that is going through what I went through. Who is gay, who has this "picture perfect family on the outside yet its hell behind closed doors" and who is afraid she will lose or has lost every damn thing that meant anything to her. I've been writing since I was 5. I'm no means an author but I am going to be. It make take me 15 years but I don't give a damn. I will get this written eventually and I will get it out because some girl needs to know how to say "fuck you" and not everyone is as strong as I am.

    I have been called a contradiction since I was young. Like you, I am sweet, compassionate, funny, determined, mean, dark, and about a gazillion other things. I've been told I'm yin and yang personified. I don't see that as a bad thing. So many people look at me and say "how and why the hell are you dark?" The darkness comforts me. It always has. It always will. It doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. Very. It's just a part of me...especially when I get angry. LOL When I get angry I start envisioning tiny yet deep 2.5 inch cuts on whoever pissed me off and putting honey on them and them setting them in a pit of fire ants. Thats one of the scenes that first come to mind. There are many others...much much darker. I could give the guy from Saw a run for his money. Cause he looked like Barney the fuckin' purple dinosaur compared to what goes on in my head. But I digress.

    You now have my full respect - and I hope you don't care. I hope you smile, but I really hope you don't give a flying fuck whether you have my respect or not. You have to do YOU. Regardless of who tries to stop you or who tries to combat you. You've gotta do you. Fuck anyone else. Stand with your allies because there is strength in numbers but if someone walks away...o well. Its about damn time woman. I'm proud of you - you don't need it, but I've sat here for 8 months and read things from you almost daily. I've seen a bit of a battle that I'm sure was internal but reflected externally. Remember a post a while back...bout "Earnest girl"? To hell with being earnest. I'm just Sam. You are just Amber. Fuck the rest

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    1. Keep ranting, keep rambling Sam! YES!

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    2. Haha! i like to talk!!! and I like to type! LMFAO I've been sitting here reading post after post since November and I've seen this tint of where she would get "part" of this idea and finally its just awesome to see it come fully effaced. She's finally got the idea that I had to (for survival) grasp onto at 19.

      Three phrases i LIVE by...

      1) Life is not about finding yourself. it is about CREATING yourself. You are who you want to be. End of story. If you don't like it, change it.

      2) I am many things in this world. I play many parts, I assume many roles. However, the most important thing in this life I will EVER be is me. So live life on no regrets.

      3) courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.


      Maybe i should go into motivational speaking??? LOL

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  18. I had a similar moment to yours last year. I think society in general confuses 'maturing' with finally realizing that other people's opinions really don't matter and shouldn't have ANY effect on us.
    As an admittedly self-obsessed artistic Scorpio I've never really cared what people thought of me, but I personally cannot wait to see what you choose to create next Amber. Well done.

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  19. And here was me thinking that today's discovery of the Higgs Boson was what was going to make the universe make sense.

    Colour me corrected. Much love.

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  20. You tell em' Amber. *nods*

    Now go create and damn the consequences!

    P.S. That doco about Woody is bloody fantastic isn't it? The guy's a true inspiration ...

    As for me? Well, I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back ... ;)

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  21. If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

    Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. ~Peter T. Mcintyre

    A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort. ~Sydney Smith

    Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality. ~Les Brown

    If you are going to doubt something, doubt your limits. ~Don Ward

    Don't care. Not a bit. Not at all. I'm glad you don't care because when you care that gives every thought from someone else that you're caring about power over you and it alters things. It makes you not act or write or sing for you, it makes it for them. It should be for you.

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  22. I happen to think you're awesome!
    That's it. I'll consume the media you share happily.

    Happy Independence Day!

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  23. I know you don't know me. I know you're not likely to read my comment. That's ok. Because on the slight chance that you might, in spite of the post above, I have to tell you thank you. You've always been a source of inspiration for me. I'm not arrogant enough to assume that I know what you've been through "oh been there done that darling." And to think that I have any kind of advice or if I had anything to say on the subject it'd matter. And that's not because I don't think what I have to say would be important. But you do. You get dozens of comments on your blog and facebook and twitter everyday. Why? Because you've made an actual difference, Amber. And what's most important to you right now is that you continue to find what makes you happy. No matter how many of the fans go or stay it makes no difference. But your work is an extension of you. And your work has made an impact. Has made a difference. Of that I am living proof. That can matter as much to you as it wants. It doesn't make it any less true. And I sincerely hope that you find what fulfills you in all aspects of your life. Regardless of what others think. And it will make an impact. As you always have.

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  24. You have to be,bwho you are. If you try to be who others want you to be, in the end you will fail and end up hating yourself, the first rule living a happy life is to be yourself. May you always show your true colors. 'cause you ROCK!!!!!

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  25. This is an awesome thing to read first thing in the morning. Congratulations, Amber for freeing yourself! (up a bit more). I am almost 9 months younger than you and have on and off felt this, especially this past Spring and early Summer. It's in my heart and in my head and now I will act on it. Thank you for this post. Really great timing.

    p.s.
    My younger brother always says "Do You." I always thought he meant, no worries. It doesn't matter what any one else thinks. It's your life to live. Live it. But I realize now, he may have meant, "Relax, masturbate more." ;p Same difference. Creative Masturbation..um..You creative human being, please yourself. The people who vibe with your work and/or particular work will. And those who don't, won't.
    Happy for you..

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  26. Holy sh!t, you're human like the rest of us!!!
    :D

    There's a Woody Allen quote about making art on the door of our prop shop, and it's really cool, and if I could remember it right now, I'd share.

    But I will share one of my very favorite quotes ever, one I try to live by:

    "My yardstick for any decision is, when I'm an old lady am I going to be bummed out that I didn't do this? I believe it's the things that you don't do that you regret, not the things that you did."
    [and later in the interview/article...]
    She was, she says, just trying to please herself, thanks very much. "And it gives people something to go "ooh-that's-not-very-funny" about. It's just a very gentle finger in their ear. You don't need a reason to do anything. Just do it and leave it for other people to try and write things about it. It just amuses me."

    Lucy Lawless, Metro Magazine March 2003

    I f*cking love Lucy Lawless.
    (And you, too. :D)

    --Beck

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  27. Good for you Amber. I've said it before and I'll say it again, who gives a shit what everyone else thinks. I love the last line, kind of describes me. I can be dark and mean and I can be sweet and nice, it all depends on which button you push.
    I like you, I think your awesome. You go girl!!

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    1. Forgot to also add in that you are funny. Anyone who doesn't see that well there is just something wrong with them. I just don't see how anyone can not like you. Keep up the good work :)

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  28. I wasn't expecting a dose of kick-ass this morning along with my coffee. Your metaphorical balls are mighty! Cheers!

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  29. I have never loved you more. Perhaps, it's that being rejected thing I'm attracted to.
    Make all those things only you can create - (insert any Neil Gaiman New Year's massage here).
    Hearts & doves,
    --Madeline

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  30. You have never rocked more than this. (And to quote Engineblow again, I don't care that you don't care - you have made my day.)

    Anything you do now should be for you first. Then, maybe, for others.

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  31. Explain nothing. Justify nothing.
    Only the end is real.

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  32. Wonderful sentiment on your independence day!

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  33. Amber you've done it again! You are awesome! I love you! And you are so right! I gave up what people think of me a long time ago, because I got sick and tired of it. So I said fuck you to everyone else and if you don't like me for me well then fuck you. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as your happy with you! You are SO awesome!

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  34. Replies
    1. EXACTLY what i said...in fewer words lol

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  35. I don't care that you don't care! I'm still going to enjoy your thoughts and rants because I don't care.

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  36. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t have to. An artist who works for anything but their own passion is doing it for the wrong reasons. You have to really want to see the thing you’re making, otherwise it just doesn’t work.

    As for liking you; I’m sorry to say, I’ve never met you and probably never will because I’m a Welshman in the ass-end of nowhere, but I like and follow your work. To me you seem like a cool person from what I've heard.

    Do what you want to do…just keep doing it.

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  37. the most people should expect from anyone is that they are themselves

    as for people that are blunt and harsh, I find that they are the only people who I can turn to for an hinest oppinion, people who don't care if they offened are the people who help the most

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  38. "There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age." — Sophia Loren

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  39. That's cool. I still can't wait to see what you write/produce/star in next.

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  40. i think your awsome and anyone who thinks otherwise, screw them! i happen to be such a big fan of willow and tara, Amber you have defiantly enspired me and made me realize, i can be who i want to be no matter what the hell anybody thinks, thank you for helong me realize who i really am deep down inside!

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  41. I'm a little gassy on the inside, I ate some cheese, it was in a burger, and I'm lactose intolerant.

    You are not funny, I hate you and you suck.

    If you felt a little twinge in that organ pumping blood then you need to work some more on not caring.

    In all honesty you are not not funny, I don't hate you and you don't (figuratively) suck. Everyone sucks straws, except the lip-less.

    There were these two little kids, maybe twelve years old, who were bugging my friends, poking and insulting them one day at the park. So I get there and I just watch them try to ignore them or tell them to leave, all very unsuccessful. Then the two kids think it would be fun to come after me next. But before they lay a finger on me I stand up, look down on them, both figuratively and literally, and I say "If you don't get those booger infested, cotton picking, niger hands away from here I'll tie you both up on the roof (we were in a small patio) and let the fucking birds eat your eyes."

    One muttered bitch and they left pretty quickly, they were all teary eyed. My friends thought I was crazy and they still do.

    So that's how much I don't care what other people think of me and how I don't care about offending other people.

    That's not even the worst thing I've done. But I'm still one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and you'll fall helplessly in love with me. At least, that's the general consensus. Okay, so maybe that last thing's a bit of a stretch.

    Or is it?

    It is. Maybe.

    So my point to this story is a sort-of-challenge: Find your not caring line (I'm line-less, zero shame) and tweet or blog or facebook(whatever) the most not caring thing you said/did.

    You, of course, don't have to prove anything. But I'm curious and that very rarely happens. Indulge me, yes/no/maybe so?

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  42. That sums up life as far as I'm concerned - Bravo for having the courage to finally be true to you and no one else. Nothing dies, everything lives when you finally realise that being that other you is fake.

    Love and best wishes

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  43. Love this blog, it has gotten me thinking and made me realize I need to start caring a little less about what others think and what about I think. I thought I had actually gotten better but if anything, it's worse and people still see me as a pushover.

    I seriously need to stop caring about what others think, or say. If they don't like me, then too bad, I am who I am and I shouldn't have to change everything to suit them (Especially when changing does nothing). This blog is truly an inspiration, I just hope I can actually have the guts to stand up for what I believe in.

    Also, while there is nice but being too nice is a problem, that is something that will not help me for sure, thank you Amber for this blog.

    PS, I think you are pretty much funny, anyone that doesn't think so, screw them because they probably just want to be mean or talk smack. That's a reason I consider you a favorite actress, you don't give a damn about what the world thinks about you, or care about money etc. Keep being awesome.

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  44. Awesome!
    And as Mr Neil says: Make. Good. Art.

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  45. Sorry not completely buying this; I get the I want to create/make things, be the maker of things and the I want to make the things I want attitude. Everyone wants that. Not buying into "I don't care what you think." What I see when I read this post is about power, the lack of control to do what you want, when you want to.
    Whether it's the influence of societal rules which say you aren't allowed to say that or do that or someone pushing you to change your vision to conform to their concept. To change what you want into what they want-thereby making it their vision and no longer what you intended to create. I see this as a rant about feeling pressured and wanting to get to a place where you feel that you have the power or are in control of your fate.

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  46. Good for you! It took me a long time to not worry about what people think and to be true to myself. Keep on creating...and being a "maker of things."

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  47. Good for you! The only limits that you should accept on your creating are the limits that are intrinsic to the things you make.

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  48. I tend to distinguish between positive and negative reactions - if someone likes soemthing I've done, I think it makes sense to be glad about that.

    But on the whole, quite an inpsiring post. DaddyCatALSO

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  49. You rock...

    http://imichal23.tumblr.com/post/19728423069

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  50. Love this. Wish I'd written it! (Is that weird?) =)

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  51. I never leave comments on blogs and stuff but this I had to make an effort to do. I really needed this. Specifics don't matter really. I just really needed this. Thanks Amber.

    T. James Scully

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  52. Amber I think you are totally like awesome doing this I mean like I would never be able to do this because im kinda like tara when she was first shone....kinda well extremely shy but some times I watch a good tara and willow episode of Buffy and I feel like punching back...ya know????

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  53. “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
    ― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay

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  54. Amber, thank you for this! Have read some of your stuff and decided to check out your blog. this post jumped out at me and I wanted to comment, if only just to left me vent too! I'm also 35 (well 34 BUT in my 35th year) and I still have so much to figure out. I'm a professional doing big important special things by day, but by night I want to be writing and laughing and hanging out with my dogs on my farm, being my weird self. No kids, not married, no conventional accomplishments to speak of, but I know that I am worth more than the expectations of others. and I know that PRETENDING I have my shit figured out is just so not what I want to be doing anymore. I'm told that acting, or anything in the entertainment industry really is -- and I'm paraphrasing-- rejection or adoration... and the in-betweens can feel, well, in-betweenish and infinite. That I can relate to. Infinite and in-betweenish. But what I wanted to say is that your career is kind of amazing for someone like me to look at. You have branched in all of these directions and taken chances. So many people can't risk. the fear of failure is just too crippling. I have been one of them, but its shifting. While I attribute some of this to my feminist urges to fuck shit up, for me its been about just wanting to reject all that is rejecting me. Society says I should have all this shit in place because my ovaries are drying up and whatever... SO tired of hearing it. They are wrong, not you or me. so nice work with this post. I wanna share it with all the "oddball" (that is code for fucking awesome) 34 year olds in my life. P:)

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  55. I have read your blog for a while on and off. And that is by far the most interesting post.

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  56. Maddy (we met in Penrith)August 29, 2012 at 12:29 AM

    I still like you. You're still cool. And I don't care that you don't care if I care. So we're even, Amber.

    Although it really begs the question why are we both posting if we don't care that the other cares? But then again, who cares?

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