Thursday, December 15, 2011

How to Wash Your Face After A Face-Lift

There was such an air of neglect in the house this morning that I was more than happy to head over to Culver City and pretend to be a corpse for the day. Apparently, I have a knack for playing dead people. Pretty amazing that a girl with hard core thanatophobia issues is always lying on her back (or front), dead and/or dying. Do I look like I want to be dead? Because it seems that that's the vibe I'm giving off.

It used to be nerdy, shy girls...that was my 'go to' place...but somehow, over the years, this has morphed into blue-lipped dead ladies. Maybe it's the wrinkles on my forehead? When you get wrinkles, does that mean you're only good to play dead people? I watched Charlize Theron in Young Adult and, I swear to God, no matter what horror she inflicted or had inflicted on her, her forehead never creased. Never moved once. I was so fascinated by this wonderment that I spent the entire movie on forehead watch.

Now, I love Charlize Theron, she's a great actress - and maybe she's just genetically predispositioned not to be a forehead wrinkler - but Goddamnit, it was unnerving and it made it really hard for me to focus on the movie.

And it made me start to wonder if I was playing deadies because I had forehead wrinkles.

I started thinking about how to get rid of my dead girl tell. It began to obsess me. So I looked online...

Holy crapola!! They want me to inject things in myself...cut myself at the edge of my scalp and pull my face over my head...ugh...not interested...not because it's gross (it is)...but because I am scared of sharp things - pretty ridiculous coming from a girl who's been shot, stabbed, strangled and bludgeoned for money.

Then I found the thing that was for me.* Something I could do at home. It was ironic that the information came via a woman who looked like she'd blown off the 'thing you could do at home' in favor of one of the injecting/cutting options, but oh, well...

Just FYI: I started doing the exercises right here in the coffee shop I'm sitting in writing this...and I think it's already working, if the stares of adulation I'm getting are any indicator.

So, peeps, when you think of me, think of me fondly and think of me doing my at home deep forehead wrinkle exercises...and pray that if I do them well enough and long enough, the powers that be will let me play a MILF instead of a soulless corpse - hallelujah!


*Uhm, this is the very next video in the cue and it scared me.

31 comments:

  1. Is it wrong that I am laughing? I'm not laughing at you...well...I am, but...o what the hell. My day has been pretty interesting and I just finished reading a lil of CC's so my brain is still off in lala-land.

    I will think of you fondly and pray to the gods that you can play a MILF - that doesn't die...

    and just FYI - you are beautiful and one of a kind. Forehead wrinkles do not hinder beauty, but, like scars, they tell a story. They mean that life has thrown you numerous emotions and you have allowed yourself to express them - be it in public or in the dark. So many people - especially young girls are afraid to show any emotion towards any situation because they feel that if they let their emotions show then they are stereotyped into one category or another.

    Wear the deep forehead wrinkles proudly - it means you have lived, loved and cried. =)

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  2. a girl who is fond of you! :PDecember 15, 2011 at 8:09 PM

    I will also admit, this post had me giggling. Perhaps its all this lesson planning that I've been doing for my grade 6's...or just the influence they have on me, but the words forehead wrinkles are making me crack up for no particular reason.

    But I agree, lines and changes are a good thing. They mean you've not been kept and hidden away but been able to experience life's ups and downs!

    And you could certainly play a MILF. I'd love to see it happen! Although, I do love the shy girl role too. :)

    Take care!

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  3. i, as a straight male, love wrinkles, and dimples and all those other imperfections.
    imperfections make us unique.

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  4. You must be joking. Like you look old enough to be a MILF. Trophy wife yeah but a MILF? Maybe in another 10 years?

    Can not get the pic of you sitting in a cafe doing those exercises out of my head. Made my day.

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  5. Forehead wrinkl
    es? Bring 'em on...that's what bangs are for!

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  6. Thank you for posting this blog on my birthday, it was a nice little gift, plus...those videos had me ROFL. Not to mention the thought of you sitting in a coffee shop, by yourself, randomly massaging your forehead, lol. "Three fingers on each hand!"

    Of course, I immediately tried it as well and my girlfriend was like, "What the HELL are you doing?" I tried to explain, even showed her the video, but I think her eyes permanently rolled up in her head, lol.

    But seriously, you're gorgeous just the way you are and I see no hideous wrinkles or creases on your forehead:) Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to go watch Charlize Theron movies and see for myself. :p

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  7. AUGH. The second video...

    She has SURGICALLY ENHANCED duck lips. ARgh! Ew! Flee!

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  8. I couldn't help laughing more than once at your post. Not in a mean spirited, finger pointing way, more in commiseration.

    One morning they weren't there and sometime in the night they snuck up on me - and it was more than one! It brought friends! Foul, foul things...

    Then I watched the clips and shuddered, is it me or is Ms.Machbitz a little creepy?

    Neither here nor there ultimately...

    I will implore TPTB to give you a great living MILF role, and ideally for more than one episode, more like a story arc - if I'm gonna ask, why not ask big?

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  9. That forehead thing magnetically attracts my attention, too. I just can't understand why so many actors voluntarily remove one of their best tools. It would be like a flautist cutting off a finger or two in the vain hope eir hands would be lighter and faster.

    I'm just fine with my increasing set of wrinkles and gray hair. I've earned them. Removing them would be like spitting on what it took to get them. I'd be losing me.

    If I was a show runner and XP, you'd definitely have a spot written for you. (That might not be a good thing. I tend to be as kind to my characters as that kid, Josh w, is kind to his characters. :-)

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  10. How to wash your face after coughing up a lung. Now that has promise. As I have recently played a corpse while you cavorted blisfully around me, I find your rant myopic. Your face is a pristine canvas for the artist of your soul and your beauty which seems to run more than skin deep rivals the library of Alexandria in its depth. Suck it up. We all have to play beneath our abiliities from time to time. You... shall.. or is it will... survive.

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  11. Maybe you're just TOO pretty, it's usually the goodlooking girls that die, right? That way they know people will care, even if they neglegted to write a propper character.

    Also, you're just TOO good at this dying thing. As much as I hate it when your characters die, you ARE pricelessly awesome at it. Taboo, Cold Case, Buffy... Just a few examples that are done extraordenary well. People pick up on that and go YEAHHH, SHE SHOULD SOOO DO THAT IN MY MOVIE TOO!!!

    So if you don't wanna die, stop being so darn good at it!

    (Also, your wrinkles, though nearly non-existant, are sexy! They really do add to ones ability to express themselves non-verbally, at which you obviously excell)

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  12. Maybe you're just TOO pretty, it's usually the goodlooking girls that die, right? That way they know people will care, even if they neglegted to write a propper character.

    Also, you're just TOO good at this dying thing. As much as I hate it when your characters die, you ARE pricelessly awesome at it. Taboo, Cold Case, Buffy... Just a few examples that are done extraordenary well. People pick up on that and go YEAHHH, SHE SHOULD SOOO DO THAT IN MY MOVIE TOO!!!

    So if you don't wanna die, stop being so darn good at it!

    (Also, your wrinkles, though nearly non-existant, are sexy! They really do add to ones ability to express themselves non-verbally, at which you obviously excell)

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  14. Girl, you have to change the way you look at things. You don't have a dead-girl vibe, you are just good at everything and sometimes you have to play dead! I bet that in the next years you will play MILF's , werewolves, angels, cops and everything else with wrinkles (a face with a few wrinkles is a perfect face...)

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  15. You're not old enough to play a MILF!!

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  16. That was hilarious. It is true, though, that you somehow seem type-cast dead. You can also audition to play the unhappy girl in that video. She really look unhappy.

    About your thanatophobia, I really wish there was a translation of my favorite contemporary French book, "The Thanatonotes." I am sure it4d help, and that you'd love it (lots of mythology and all). Wanna learn French? ^^

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  17. Haven't noticed it on Charlize Theron yet, but I've seen the Unwrinkinling Forehead Disease spread over a lot of ... well, foreheads, in the past couple of years. Keeps me wondering why actors do it. Models, maybe, and maybe people who want to get better at playing corpses. But doesn't it cost you about half of your repertoire of facial expressions? Which you need for the job?

    Also, what the others said. Way to early for the MILF thing.

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  18. we just think it's cool that you can say "i've been bludgeoned, shot, stabbed and strangled" without a moments pauze..

    That completely besides the point but anywho...

    we just think it's scary how many young people these days are actually thinking about having a facelift done or whatever (to look "younger"-) ...We think, as an actor it's not really a good idea. We always thought actors used expressions to get their point across which is what facelifts tend to take away.

    but then again, instead of playing corpses, you could end up playing plastic bottles?

    we had no idea that being young was only preserved to teenagers :)

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  19. Amber first of all let me say YOU DON’T NEED A FACE LIFT! I’m glad the idea doesn’t appeal to you I don’t know if my opinion counts for much but I think you’re beautiful and I wouldn’t change a thing!

    I know from what said past it’s difficult to get parts these days but I wish you didn’t have to play dead bodies/characters so much as you are a great actress and deserve more screen time! Remember just because I can be a little biased according to my friends anyway, that doesn’t mean I’m wrong! :o)

    I’ve had a very random a thought if film makers/studios insist casting you as a dead person then they should remake DOA with you in the lead role. That way you can be dead but because most of the story is told in flashback you get lots of screen time so everyone is happy.

    I digress I love to see you on screen whatever the role! Trust me when I say your looks are the LAST thing you need to worry about.

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  20. I know you have a JUSTIN BIEBER T-Shirt...but do you have a I PLAY DEAD PEOPLE T-Shirt ? ^_^

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  21. An i play dead people T-shirt sound like hit idea You were totally correct the next video was scary and creepy

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  22. You guys are very sweet, but I have no intention of getting a face-lift, nor am I worried about any wrinkles on my face...this post was purely humorous and was not intended to be taken literally.

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  23. Oh, Amber, you're still gorgeous, of course! Never doubt that! (And you of all people should know that actors on TV get a little movie magic to make them look years younger! Though Charlize Theron always looks like that...)

    And I agree with you about the dying thing! You always play wonderful characters and then get killed...the only solution is to stop being such an amazing actress!

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  24. Kay, since you're a book worm, you need to check out Sylvia Brown's "Secrets and Mysteries of the World", or Alice Rose Morgan's "Calls to Mystic Alice", or anything on Derek Acorah. After reading these books written by and about different people all with the same "knowledge" of the afterlife, i guarantee your thanatophobia issues will not seem so bad. That is if you are open to the paranormal/psychic world, which i have a feeling you are. Seriously, they are great reads and completely change my view on life and the afterlife. Anyone else reading this post should check them out too, let your brain "get some"!

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  25. I knew you were being humorous, and I adore your forehead ever since I noticed it in _Cold Case_. (Like most loyal Kittens, I'd already noticed the lips, eyes, and ears. And, since you've almost enough to fit into my family, I also like your nose.)
    Umm, how soon until we know what show or film this was for? (And I promis, no more Facebook rants like after _ringer_; done there, been that.)
    Odd; I'm only getting wrinkles on the right side of my forehead; then again, I don't work under studio lights.
    Would you hate me if I point out Charlize is a year and a half older than you are?
    -DaddyCatALSO

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  26. Maybe the solution is to write another film and convince Charlize Theron to play a dead body. Actually, as I recall, there's a play called "The Body" where an actor playing a dead body is on stage for the whole play. Possibly not such a challenge on film where you can at least breathe and walk off any cramp between takes.

    Of course your description of the number of ways you have been killed on screen makes me think this has all been preparation for the lead in an all female production of the life story of Rasputin.

    Stephen

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  29. I would rather have you play the role sweet spinster looking for her one true love, whaddaya say? You've got a lovely face now, and the role of a soulless character doesn't fit you at all!

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  30. Oh, amber, you still gorgeous, of course! Never doubt that! (and you of all people should know, an actor on television to get a small movie magic, make them look years old! Although charlize theron always looks like.
    I agree with you about death thing! You always play the wonderful characters, and then be killed... The only solution is to cease to be such a great actress!


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