Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hair, the Antichrist

I have a real problem with hair. Not the stuff on your head, just its peers - who, yes, did originate on your head - but can now be found free floating in the ether, attaching to whatever will have them and, generally, making a nuisance out of themselves.

I went into my bathroom the other day - which I share with roommates - and had to hold back my horror when I saw a short, curly red hair (the short, or severed hair, is sometimes worse than the long one) curled up around the base of my electric toothbrush.

I didn't know what to do. Should I grin and bear it, reach out and pluck the wettish, stubby hair away? Should I ignore it and just brush my teeth? I was stumped - and feeling slightly queasy. Finally, I decided to get some toilet paper (I did say on twitter that I'm the queen of the toilet paper buying, imagine eight rolls all in a neat row waiting to be called into action) and used that to wipe the springy hair away.

Then there was the long hair in the sink full of dishes (it was of indiscriminate color because it had been soaking in soapy dishwater) that got all intertwined with the dish sponge - it was almost sexual, the way it was wrapped around that green and yellow artificial sponge - and I was disgusted enough by it that I couldn't do the dishes until I had removed the sponge from the sink, taken it to the trash and untwined the lascivious hair like the soapy whore it was. Of course then the hair stuck to my hand - for some reason the idea that soap was involved made it ok to touch the hair with my bare skin - and it took a protracted battle, and the help of a can of tuna from the recycling bin, to finally put it down (as in euthanize it).

I know it sounds OCD, or worse, but I can't help how I feel about stray hair.

The worst, and final, hair story I will impart to you, makes the sink/dish stories seem benign - and what is even more horrible is the fact that it is not an isolated event.

I ate a hair.

It was in a peanut butter sandwich I was eating. I didn't know it was there until it was halfway down my gullet and when I noticed it, I knew I was screwed. I reached in and grabbed ahold of the bottom of the hair and started pulling. But the hair was all mixed in with the bread and peanut butter and would not budge, no matter how hard I pulled. I yanked and yanked and yanked and yanked and do you know what happened?

I gave my myself a damned throat paper cut with that hair.

24 comments:

  1. My flatmate feels this way as well. He doesn't have much hair but unfortunately, I have hair that is past my waist. He is not dealing well with the tumbleweeds on the wooden floors, the random hairs in the washing machine, the stray hairs on the bathroom floor... I'm getting my hair cut.

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  2. I couldn't agree with you more on that subject. It's even worse, when you're completely bald and you know there is not a chance in hell, that it belongs to you.

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  3. My brother used to obsessively straighten his hair and our sink would look like a wookie had exploded. I hated it.

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  4. ok seriously Amber...marry me :)

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  5. That was a very gag inducing blog. I gagged at all three stories and suddenly feel the urge to NOT eat my dinner. I don't care for the stray hairs either, especially if they DONT belong to me.

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  6. When you have long hair, the worst is cleaning it out of the shower drain! It's all bunched up and coated in soap and conditioner residue. I can't do it, i make one of my guy friends go digging down there with pliers or a wire hanger.....eww i'm getting goose flesh just thinking about it.

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  7. Let me gross you out to the furthest extent of possible grossness. Finding stray hairs (pause for dramatic music) in your underwear. I went out with a few friends, had one of the best nights I've ever had being the DD, and when I woke up the next morning to do the essential morning relief, I found a long, brunette hair on the crotch part of my underwear. How it got there? I DONT KNOW! And until this day I always check my underwear and parts for random hair. Now of course it can be construed that hey it might be my own, but my hair is extremely short, Amber Rose short. After I finished my morning ritual I had no choice but to flush and then upchuck. :(

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  8. Perhaps you should shave your roommates? I think this would not only be therapeutic but fun.

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  9. yea hairs near things that go in my mouth kind of freak me out (minus one specific example mind you).

    that being said, if the red hair belonged to a female, may i have her number?

    j/k

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  10. Trust me... No OCD.. We have five animals..it's fur and hair everywhere LOL

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  11. You have that too? That's kinda comforting. I can't stand stray hair... When I lived with my sister, she had the LONGEST, dark, thick mane of anyone I knew - and she shed...like constantly. Now I know we are twins...but seriously?

    So, then my girlfriend has kinda the same problem. Only her hair is BLONDE and thin. My hair is pitch black. So when there is blonde hair over my clothes, in the sink, on the floor, in the fridge(??) it drives me nuts. I ask her to "remove her belongings" and she replies "you've [done various things] to me, a hair isn't gunna hurt you".. it drives me insane.

    So i do have to say this...cause it was kinda hilarious... I tutor a 13 year old boy a couple nights a week - and it just so happens that because he has finals tomorrow, I went over tonight. So after I drilled him, I wanted to give his mind some time to breathe - that way i could see what he actually learned verses simply memorized.

    well, anyway, we were talking about books (I'm trying to get him to read...anything) and I brought up "Among the Ghosts" (I am having the 7th grade girl that I tutor read it and she's in love) and a series called "Drift X: Slide or Die". Well, my phone buzzed due to Twitter alerts and as he was reading the synopsis of "Slide or Die" he heard me say "WOW". He then became curious and asked me what I was reading.... so I read the blog to him.

    Now, this kid is VERY theatrical and ADHD. I've been tutoring for 10 years and he gives me a run for my money. I start reading the blog to him - when I read "and it took a protracted battle, and the help of a can of tuna from the recycling bin, to finally put it down (as in euthanize it)" he became over-dramatic and fell to the floor (off the couch) laughing. I continued. After reading the part about you eating a hair from your PB sandwich, he laughed SO hard that...well... he.... he peed himself a lil and then had to go change clothes.

    I have no idea why it was so damn funny to him, but - at least you can go to bed knowing that you made a 13 year old boy pee himself.

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  12. It's a universal problem, I'm sure. My fiancee has long hair, and yesterday I found her hair in our food -- even though I cooked it, and she was nowhere near at the time. They're like guided missiles, set to Disturb.

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  13. A hair in the food isn't all that bad, compared to the mustache hair I found in my cookie yesterday at work. I was too nice to tell my co-worker, who takes great pride in his neatly brushed and waxed mustache....

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  14. Thank you for allowing someone other than Earnest Girl to write the blog posts. Not that I don't love Earnest Girl, too, but Bitchy & Silly have given me several much-needed laughs this week. :-D

    I have been co-habitating with a cat for many years now, so I have resigned myself to finding cat hairs in every place imaginable. Except in my own crotch hair. That is still disturbing. Though, it is a weird kind of relief to discover that the white hairs in my pubic region belong to the cat and not to me.

    I have also recently started sharing living space with other people for the first time in...well, more years than I can calculate at the moment. Both of them--male and female--have long hair that creates gaktacular, soap-infested spawn in and around the shower drain. As someone who has had very short hair since the age of 6--and, therefore, has not dealt with the plague of long, insidious human hairs--these drain creatures are especially repulsive to me.
    But, somehow, they are easier to cope with than the anal sex toy I discovered in the shower Sunday morning.
    Just putting things in perspective. :)

    Beck [not Beth], aka Nancy T's friend

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  15. My husband has a dark, gingery beard full of curly, thick hairs. I cannot tell you how often I have found a dark curly hair and, on closer examination, was very relieved to find that it was slightly gingery.

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  16. A friend of mine was once complaining about having an eyelash on her eye, irritating it. Going into the washroom to use the mirror, she managed to grab the hair and pull it out...and discovered she was pulling an 11" strand of blonde hair that had somehow gotten behind her eyeball. As my friend's hair is short and brunette, she has no idea whose hair it was, or how in the world it got there.

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  17. Joe aka AmberAddictDecember 21, 2011 at 7:19 AM

    At times there is nothing worse than finding a hair where it shouldn’t be. I once found the longest hair you’ve ever seen in a bowl of soup I have short hair so it wasn’t mine. I got rid it but then I finished the soup it was so wrong but I was very hungry. Please don’t judge me too harshly! :o)

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  18. I have 4 roommates, and the one with the SHORTEST hair leaves the greatest mess around our 2 bathroom sinks. It's nasty... and it's gotten to the point that I've contacted our RA about it.

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  19. Youre so funny amber. im glad someone else feels the same. im known for having a "hair phobia". A hair wrapped around my leg at the pool once and I refused to go back in the rest of the day and i also almost ate a hair and ended up crying and gagging about it (and I NEVER cry)

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  20. Oh, Amber, I know the whole feeling. I hate, hate, HATE when anyone (even me!) leaves hair around. It makes me feel like some dirty hobo is brushing his/her hair and leaves it lying around because he/she's a dirty hobo. Probably not what you think, but ya know...

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  21. *Shudders* I can handle stray hairs, although I wipe my hands or wash them after touching them. I have a phobia of people touching hair, well I have OCD. If someone touches my hair, I flip. I have to wipe my hair over and over til I get the 'dirty' out of it, sometimes even getting it wet in the process to get it out. Along with that, I wash my hands multiple times. I have to stop whatever I'm doing to fix my hair. And I shudder and look away if someone is touching someone else's hair. People may think I'm crazy, but I agree, hair is just gross.

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  22. You have roommates? You are an actress and author! Why do you have roommates?

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  23. Oh, ye gods and little fishes :-). D'C'A'

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  24. If it makes you feel any better, I have an even worse problem with hair; I would have tossed the sponge in the trash! Thank goodness I live alone :-) keep writing, you have a wonderful way with words!

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