Saturday, December 24, 2011

Blue Jean Baby Queen Issues

I hate my jeans.  Every pair I own drives me up the wall. 

When I'm jonesin' for a little 'un-sex me here' time (thank you, lady Macbeth), all I want to do is put on a comfortable pair of jeans and zone out.  But then I start trying on one pair after another in my closet and when none of them fit right, I totally lose my sh*t.  I want to tear my hair out...and have been known to snivel upon occasion.

Which is the exact opposite of zoning out, thankyouverymuch.

And, seriously, all the body issue related hysteria that the search for a non-threatening pair of jeans brings up makes me feel more like a female than any dress ever could.

It sucks.

If you are a woman then you may already know my pain (and maybe some men out there identify, too - but you guys don't have to say anything, I know complaining about jeans isn't the most macho of pastimes - though I do have to say that I have a soft spot for men who are comfortable enough in their own masculinity to bitch about this kind of stuff with me):


I have two pairs of gray jeans (full disclosure: I am wearing one pair now) that I bought at Anthropologie.  They are by a company called Adriano Goldschmied (AG for short) and I liked them for about the first two months that I owned them.  They are very lightweight and soft with threads of metallic-looking material running through them.

I bought two pairs at the same time because I find that if there's an item of clothing I like, I will wear it until it dies.  Until it literally curls up, falls off and dies.  I've been chided by peeps for wearing the same thing two (or maybe three if we're being honest) days in a row.  I think it's fine to do this so long as you change your underwear every day and the clothes don't stink too much after the first wear.  That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

I didn't try on both pairs of these gray jeans at the time of purchase and when I got home I discovered that not all jeans are created equally - even when they're the supposed to be the same.  One of the pairs fit differently and was not as comfortable, but it wasn't horrible, so I kept them both.

I don't dry my jeans...I wash them in the washing machine then hang them up to drip dry.  I am messy and klutzy and I spill crap on my clothes all day long, every day, and this is not ever going to change.  I am incapable of keeping myself food and dirt free.  Needless to say, this means that I have to wash my jeans on a semi-regular basis - or else I look like I'm wearing the household composting.   Flecks of food and other junk stick to me like glue and it's just embarrassing after a while.

Anyhow, I have these jeans for two months and I love them...and then, after a few washes, I find that they just don't fit like they used to.  They sag in the wrong places and they're tight at the waist which is awful and gives me a muffin top - and I like muffins so this shouldn't be the end of the world...but it kind of is for like two seconds.

I have another twin pair of jeans that I got off the sale rack at Macy's.  They, like the gray ones, are twins, but they're dark blue and have the name 'jeggings' attached to them - which frightened me when I bought them and still frightens me to this day.  They are from J Brand and I liked them a lot when I bought them because they were soft and not too tight...but after a few washes they started fading hardcore at the butt and now when I wear them, it looks like I pooed white stuff all over myself.  Which is not a pleasant look for anyone - and I apologize to anyone I might have accidentally white poo flashed while wearing them.

I have some singletons in my closet.  Jeans without a twin, lonely one offs that I very rarely go near, so I'm not even going to mention their flaws.

What I want to know is: Am I jaded?  Do I fall out of love with these jeans too fast, am I too hard on them, expect too much from a bit of fabric?  Or is what I'm really responding to the bill of false goods we're being sold when we slap all that money down on the counter: that this transaction will make us happy - when all it really does is make us financially poorer.

And then I get a hold of myself and stop being a nincompoop.  There are people starving out there, so I can just shut my trap about ill-fitting jeans.  They're not magic for God's sake - they're blue jeans.






34 comments:

  1. I don't think jeans are made as good as they used to be. I have a pair of jeans that I bought 5 years ago that I"m still wearing. However, when I went back to Lane Bryant to buy the same brand, their styles and sizes and fabrics had totally changed. I didn't even bother buying any because I could tell they would fall apart and not be worth the money. So now I have 2 pairs of jeans--my 5-year-old pair from Lane Bryant and an okay pair I managed to find at J.C. Penney last year. I'm curious to find out if my JCP jeans hold up as long as the Lane Bryant ones have.

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  2. OMG! The more I read about the new and improved Amber-blog, the more I think iam falling in love with you! Merry Christmas Amber! :o)

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  3. One tip I picked up about buying jeans that has served me well is to always look at the material of the front pockets. If it's still pristine white put them back on the rack. If it looks like it's picked up some of the colour of the denim try them on. Basically that means they've already been washed so shouldn't change shape in the wash.

    I have a similar problem with spilling food and stuff on myself (I have Dyspraxia which means my co-ordination is not great), investing in a clothes brush has saved me some embarrassment. Also, is Febreeze available where you are? I always spray my clothes (other than stuff like underwear that's going to go straight into the wash) with that when I take them off.

    Unfortunately the only way I know to deal with unfortunate colour fades is to redye the item.

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  4. I've had similar problems with jeans. Would you believe that the only consistently high quality ones that don't fall apart in the wash were el cheapo Lee jeans from...dun dun duuunnn..The Evil Empire, a/k/a Wallyworld?

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  5. Jeans. Bleh. I don't like ladyjeans, they never have good pockets and since I've never owned a purse in my life, I need pockets. Real pockets, not dainty little ones that you can barely fit a lighter in.
    I hate paying money for clothes, especially jeans. I wear the same ones for YEARS and with weight loss they inevitably end up baggy around the middle and in the butt. Does this dissuade me from wearing them? No way.

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  6. HEY! That last comment.... don't brush off the sincerity of ill-fitting jeans. Trust me...I’m having this issue myself...HORRIBLY
    Ok, so let me preface this by saying a few things... I have never been "skinny". Ever. Its whatever. My father fed me Swiss rolls and Oreos when I was little (and seriously, what 3 year old would say no). So when I was 17, I had had ENOUGH. I lost 130lbs and began wearing a size 16 - I wasn't small, but I was strong and I could bench press 350lbs. it was awesome. Well, at that time, the style of jeans that were popular was flares. I ADORE FLARE JEANS. So I had a bunch of them, really got into my own style...loved it. I was hot. LOL
    Ok, so the second is - I am epileptic. I've been having seizures since I was 15, but I didn't tell anyone. When I was in my early 20's (22 to be exact) I had a friend that forced me to the neurologist. She tried me on a dozen meds - cause they had to see which ones would work... Well, she finally put me on a combination of Keppra and Seroquel. well, after starting this concoction, I noticed I started gaining weight - and a lot of it. I couldn't stop. I was doing everything I had been doing for the past years, and my weight just kept increasing and increasing. I wasn't allowed to work out (like truly work out) because I wasn't allowed to sweat or overheat.
    So, now we get to now...I am now 25. So this went on for 3 years. I took myself off of the combination because I gained 110lbs - my doctor said "o its only 110 lbs, nothing to worry about".... QUACK! So I finally am now just on the Keppra...it works. (CNTD)

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  7. Well, since November 5th, I've been allowed to work out, to sweat, to get "hot"...etc. So I have been. I have dropped 3 pants sizes in 7 weeks. NOTHING FITS RIGHT. There are no more "flares" in the jean section. We have boot-cut or straight leg. Ok, so I’ll grab the low-rise boot cut. I must have gone through every pair of jeans at Wal-Mart, target, Ross, Marshalls, goodwill and Kmart before finally finding three pairs of pants at Kmart that fit...semi ok. I say "semi" because I still don't like them. BUT with all of my old pants not even being able to stay up on my hips, what is a girl supposed to do?
    I've found that due to this, I am wearing the same pair of pants 2-3 days in a row... ESPECIALLY my work pants. I have two pairs of work pants...and I’m continuing to lose weight, so why am I going to go by a full-on wardrobe? I'm not. However, like you, I tend to spill crap on myself. Its gunna happen. So I wash my clothes more often than anyone and what did my BRAND NEW pair of work pants do??? FADE. So they are no longer pitch black, but they now have grayish spots on them... Am I going to look like a leopard going to work? Damn right I am. Why? Because I have to.
    What else I've noticed...losing (or gaining) weight is not cheap. I work two jobs - a full time and then I tutor. I am also a double time student. So this means, I have a house, my cars, tuition, books, supplies, internet, and ya know, I have to eat and feed my cat... I don't have $100's to slap onto the counter and buy all these new clothes. I had to go buy new jeans because I'm off for a week (and I went home) for Christmas and I didn't have any pants I could just "wear". I would have to dress up with all of the pants I own right now. So I bought two pairs of jeans. I hate them. I may slice them up the seam and insert a triangle patch of material into them to make them flares.
    So in essence, no you are not too hard on them. Jeans are not made the way they were 10 years ago. I miss the jeans I used to have - and the only reason I don't own them now is because they all...died. If I love something, like you, I will wear it until it becomes too holey for repair. I've got a pair of jeans that have 8 different holes - and a few places have really cool material stitched underneath.
    Ok...so wow, I just realized I really did babble...a LOT... on this one. LOL. Eh oh well.
    O BTW- I have to tell you - I was listening to the audio book for Cats claw while I was on the plane... I guess you have this soothing-ness to your voice, because I totally conked out. LOL. This coming from the girl who HATES to fly. It just happened. One minute I was listening and playing Sudoku, the next, I heard the captain say "we are making our final descent" LOL

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  8. While fit is always a problem, I've found that as the decades pile on, fit is an ever-more-elusive target. On the plus side, I'm old and those pesky lawn-encroaching kiddies are going to mock me in any case, so whether they fit right isn't so big of a deal. As long as the jeans: 1) don't slide off; or, alternatively 2) don't make me feel all constrain'ed (must be said with a Barcelonan accent); I'm increasingly fine with the lowest-common-denominator of not being naked--a situation shared by the entirety of the human species and not a few dogs.

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  9. I buy my jeans at the thrift store, so then they're already a little worn, and any initial fading has already happened. Plus then I can find older styles that suit me better. Mine tend to wear out quickly on the inside of the thighs, so when they develop holes, I have to go in search of new ones. Patching that area just doesn't seem to work.

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  10. I gotta say I've never had a problem with jeans but I'm not only a guy I'm a fat guy so I buy jeans that are baggy. Big & tall stores don't really stock clothes that are tailored aside from maybe jackets or dress shirts anyway but I find that pants that tight anywhere make me grumpy almost instantly.

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  11. I feel your pain. I've never found jeans that fit well in my whole life either. I usually go with flannel pants around the house. Since I prefer to not be naked, I wear ill fitting jeans when necessary. Ever tried a skirt? They can be infinitely more comfortable and far easier to find a good fit.

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  12. What? What is that you say? Jeans are not magic? Have you not read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Amber, I think you need a pair of magic pants that will always fit you, never need to be washed, and repel all pieces of food that you may drop. I believe I shall start looking for them for you...Merry Christmas, by the way!

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  13. Your body issue is that you're way too attractive, right? So when you want to unsex yourself for a bit and relax, you see yourself in the mirror wearing jeans that just won't let your body quit for even a minute? There you are, thinking about writing a spell, and your jean-clad form is just screaming SEXXX!

    Man-jeans do, in fact, provide an answer. They are, by def, too big. Their too-bigness tells their occupants, "You are too sexy to give the world a clear idea of the sheer glory residing in your pants. No. The world could not take it. Be thou modestly baggy and protect the rest of humanity from maddening, unrelenting thoughts of sin. Fear not. No one will be able to tell what's going on under all this cloth. It remains our secret. Just barely."

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  14. i wear my jeans for days at a time as well.

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  15. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wears jeans like that. I always change into jammy bottoms when I get home, jeans are for leaving the house.

    I hate trying on jeans, especially if it's at a place where I don't know the brands well. Trying on your size to find that the brand runs small is always alarming.

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  16. I don't notice a lot of problems with fit, but I feel your pain when it comes to spilling a lot of my clothes ... some people are just meant to always show what they were eating.

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  17. I generally believe the term "comfortable blue jeans" is an oxymoron.

    Basically, you are singing my song, throughout this entire post. I have yet to find the 'perfect' pair of blue jeans. If they fit my hips, they're way too big in the waist; if they fit my waist, they're too small for my hips. I'm too tall for petite length jeans and too short for average size jeans -- somehow the gods have determined that my height must be right in the middle, so petite lengths are too short for me and average sized jeans are too long. I haven't a clue where to find a good tailor to fix that issue. And at the end of the day I can't wait to take my jeans off and change into my ultra-comfy yoga pants or something with a softer, more forgiving fabric, like my cargo pants.

    I hate shopping for jeans. I hate wearing jeans. The day I find a well-fitting, comfortable pair of jeans, I'll probably buy out the store, gathering up as many pairs as I can, in case the fool store decides to change the fit somewhere down the line.

    Anyway, my point is: rant away, Amber! You are not the only one to struggle with this. You are among friends. ;)

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  18. I buy Levi's and wear them until both knees wear out and then since I am way too old for the distress look ( and really isn't everyone who is not a female under 19 )I buy a new pair

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  19. So, I LM 'butt' O every time I read Amber's blog. I'm now an addict. Thanks a lot Amber for being such a whitty person who says what we all think (!).

    -Kate Eals

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  20. PS: As a runner, I have NO butt, so jeans never fit properly. I feel your pain.

    -Kate Eals

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  21. I find that jeans fit differently from the moment you put them on. They go from tight and constricting to loose and comfortable to falling off, and back again.

    I prefer cargo pants.

    Comfortable at all times. Plethora of pockets for wallets, cards, swiss army knife, bandaids, spare clothes brush, snap lock bags (in case of emergency), lollies, and anything else you can stuff into them. And you can dress them up or down to suit any occasion.

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  22. I feel your pain...I think every woman does. My love/hate relationship with jeans goes back to my childhood; when I was forced to wear Sears Toughskins (see below). Anyone remember these? It was like wearing a combination of sandpaper and burlap, lol.

    I get what you're saying about wearing jeans for several days in a row. They feel better and more comfortable on about day 3 than any other day. :p Merry Christmas!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2ci2ev8FZY

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  23. I've taken to only buying jeans at thrift stores. Not only do I get to rescue unwanted jeans from a sad fate, the jeans are already broken in, so what you see is what you get. And they're cheaper, so even if the relationship doesn't work out, the loss is minimal. I still hate jeans shopping with a fiery burning passion, because finding the right jeans is still next to impossible, but at least my buyers regret is a little less intense.

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  24. From the occasional shopping trip with my wife, I think the crap clothing makers put women through is ridiculous. With pants, we men get waist & inseam sizes, which means you can get damn near perfect fits off the rack unless you're ridiculously skinny or fat. Women get this size 2/4/6/8 (with or without modifiers like Petite) s#it, usually requiring a dozen different trips to the fitting room and a trip to the tailor's when you're done. Plus, they screwed with the sizes sometime in the past twenty years, to try to flatter women that they're "only a size X" while creating a frigging size 0!

    Thank God I work in jewelry. Necklaces and bracelets come in solid inch-measurement sizes, and ring sizes are pretty consistent (as long as you don't go international, at least)

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  25. I've had exactly one pair of jeans in my life. When I was ten. & they weren't even girls jeans. Jeans are just... Ugh. I never find the fit nice. & denim itches.

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  26. My absolute favorite jeans right now are the Hipster Flare Jean from American Eagle. They have stretch to them and are REALLY comfy. I also like the First Edition Trouser Wide Leg Jean from AE since they also have a bit of stretch. They are both on sale! If I'm not wearing one of those pairs I always feel like my jeans are too tight or frumpy. Maybe I should stock up on more? :)

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  27. There are many of us who feel your pain. I love wearing jeans, but hate when the time comes and my favorite pair has finaly worn out. It's hard enough to find jeans that fit well. I didn't get the height that my brothers or my kids did and I rarely find jeans that fit great in the leg dept. I usually end up with the ones that are to short (makes me look like I'm waitin on a flood) or they're too long (I walk the bottoms off). Worse than that is when my oldest daughter "borrows" them and I never get them back.....Best part of this blog "white poo flashed" loved it.

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  28. While I really don't wear jeans (well blue denim, I have some black ones and jean-cut khakis) I do want to hail your philosophy on clothes wearing; trou and tops get washed when needed, not on a schedule. (And I sympathize on fit; I can't even close 50s anymore and rely on my belt and a pull-over shirt.) D'C'A'

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  29. I am a man, and yes, I do have my own issues with blue (and black) jeans, some of them involving FeBreze (don't ask) and others involving my using the ones I have for so long they could make a clothing-related zombie movie about them.

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  30. Joe aka AmberAddictDecember 27, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    I’m a man but I know all about difficulty when buying jeans. I own two pairs one of which I’m wearing right now they are KAM Jeans don’t worry if you’ve never heard of brand you’d have no reason to they are from a store that sells clothes for larger gentleman. The other pair I can put on but have serious issues when comes to breathing whilst wearing them. I wish I could say I’m joking at this point sadly but I’m not.
    My situation is a little different though as I’m over weight part of which is due to mobility issues but mostly it’s my own fault for not having a better diet. So I have accepted why I’ll never fit into brand name jeans but I’m always amazed when thin people like yourself have trouble finding a comfortable pair I blame the designers!

    I often wear the same clothes for a couple of days running (I do change my underwear though  ) as it’s easier and if there clean then why not? As for being spilling things on myself my Dad often asks before meals if I’d like him to throw my meal down my front to save me the bother because that’s where it ends up. LOL That was not me being self-deprecating by the way but a true story!!!

    As for being disappointed that your favourite pair maybe looking washed out we all like to look good in our favourite clothes and get value for money too.Don’t be too hard on yourself for that one Amber but in my opinion you look fantastic whatever you wear!

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  31. It is all about cords... with sandals and socks!! As William H. Macy once said on the subject (and I paraphrase) "Something that feels this good, simply can't be wrong."

    Yours philosphically,
    foreverchanges

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  32. Jeans are what I most commonly wear, yet I have a love-hate relationship with them. I do find them convenient and moderately comfortable and they sort of go with anything I wear. But they're too 'size specific' which is not good for someone like me. Basically, what I mean is that there's virtually no room for weight change. My weight fluctuates a lot, so one day a pair that fits might be tight and painful a week later. So my dresser is full of jeans of varying sizes and I almost have to look at the tag each day just to confirm whether I'm having a 32" day or a 34" day.

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  33. I love your posts, so true. I love ur work, u r fabulous xx nilesy xx

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