Sunday, December 18, 2011

Baby Partay!¿!

I have hit that point in my life where I have become part of the minority.  I'm not talking race or gender or sexual orientation...I'm talking something far, far worse.

I'm talking babies.

This year of newly found singleness has been ridiculous.  I have like seven friends with kids when last year I just had, like, one.


I thought it was bad enough that I was now one of the 'single females' of the world.  Part of the cat-sitting, puppy-watching brigade that is called upon by pet-owner friends to baby-sit their tiny mammals because, ostensibly, we don't have anything better to do with our time.  (FYI: I'm not knocking being a free pet sitter, but apparently it's like blood in the water: your friends scent your single-y, female-ness as if they were in possession of shark-like powers.)

But then it got tougher.  My friends started to 'seriously' pair off and then - horror! - get married.  I felt like a wallflower at the Homecoming Dance, sitting on the bleachers in my orthodontic headgear, hoping someone would take pity on me and ask me to dance.

But no one did. 

So I sucked it up and set out to just embrace my singleness.  This included working, enjoying time with my (quickly dwindling pool of) single girlfriends and gay, male friends, working, working some more and eating out...a lot.  And when I was finally getting used to being the third or fifth or seventh wheel at dinner parties, those married bitches went and did something far worse then ask me to pet sit during the holiday season or try to set me up with inappropriate, single men their husbands knew from work.

They had babies!!

I can't escape them.  They are everywhere.  And believe me when I tell you that they are taking over the world one live birth at a time.

I went to a Holiday Party last night - thrown by two friends that I adore - but I knew I was in for it when the babies in attendance almost outnumbered the adults.  Now, of course, I'm exaggerating - there weren't THAT many babies - but, goddamnit, there really was a whole lot of nursing going on.  I found myself starting to crave a milkshake instead of the previously yummy-looking Christmas cookies I'd already put on my plate... and it was frightening.  As the night wore on, I became THAT girl, the one catering to the babies, goo-gooing at them, holding them. 

I felt my ovaries contract in envy and it made me nauseous.

Now - just on general principle - I've never been a huge fan of parties, but baby parties are even more unsettling. They are bastions of ambivalence: on one hand I am resentful that there are babies there, but, on the other hand, I'm resentful that I don't have my own doula/stroller/burpcloth/carseat/baby. 

It's very confusing. 

And the lack of single, available guys at a baby party is pathetic...you just find yourself at the mercy of horny, divorced dads who only like you because your car doesn't have a car seat in it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I guess I can sum it all up with one word:

CONTRACEPTION

I'm for it. 
























52 comments:

  1. Okay. We're both Alabamians. We're both THAT GIRL. We both have brown hair. We both write. Are we long-lost sisters? Cousins maybe?

    You just wrote things I was thinking.

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  2. Oh god, I thought I was the only one! All my friends are onto their third or fourth baby, and I'm onto my second degree... That's kinda like a baby, right? Minus the pooping and throwing up. They cost about the same, and there is a lot of screaming involved, especially around finals time...

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  3. Ah, ladies, your comments do me good :)

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  4. Fortunately, the majority of my group of friends is on the non-married side, so I guess I still have a few solid years without a baby party.

    Still, it is a dreadful future.

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  5. Ahhhhh!!! My thoughts exactly. I've been feeling this way for two years. All my friends and those i went to high school with are pairing off, getting married, and popping out babies... then they proceed to get pregnant again. It is madness.

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  6. http://imgur.com/gallery/Iu5aJ

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  7. As one of those parental people, I would like to apologise on behalf of my kind. We get a little crazy and why are our kids everywhere?

    (I have a baby and, frankly, I'm still like this...)

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  8. First new blog post in a long time:
    Triangle Tara -- I thought cool, a fundraiser

    Second post:
    Face lift -- Can't lie, was a little creeped out and the video didn't help

    Third post--Auto flush toliets -- Ok, I agree, they creep me out but not as bad as the face lift

    Fourth post--Tired of being earnest, wanna be bitchy-- More too it than that, but hard to imagine an anything but nice and polite Ameber

    Fifth post--Baby Parties--I'm a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything though sometimes I wonder what exactly I missed having my kids so young

    Now, here's the thing...really lovin the blog updates. But, my mind is whirling trying to keep up and on topic. I'm tryin to jump on this train of thought with you, but my train must be shorter cause damn if I can't keep up. :)

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  9. Marie & Allison: Thank God for mommies. As much as I am ambivalent, I envy the crap outta you guys and the punishing (yet mucho rewarding) work you do. :)

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  10. I especially like being invited to infant and toddler birthday parties where half the kids have no idea what's going on, the other half are screaming and on a sugar high and the parents discuss potty training. And there's never any boze. Next time I'm invited to a child's birthday party, I'm packing a hip flask.

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  11. GREAT! We have 3 dogs, 1 cat, 1 hamster, 5 fish, 4 ducks, 3 squirrels and a wayward raccoon living in the tree in the front yard. We were wondering how we would be able to get away and know that I know your available to pet sit...woo hoo! We are outta here! Thanks Amber:)

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  12. You know, I'm going to just open myself up right now and its probably going to make me sound like this horrible, pathetic excuse for human being.... I met my soul mate when i was 18 and her family (which is like this christian cult) sucked her back in and devoured her. She changed into this monster of a human. Anyway, I have never wanted the long-term relationship or the child. However, somehow casually dating someone turned into...well... life. She was attacked and became pregnant as a result and because of the kinda, caring, loving, compassionate person I am, I didn't bolt out the door.

    now I have - practically - a wife and a 17 month old and I never wanted any of it. I am a pre-med student. Before I die I want an M.D., 2 Ph.D's, 2 additional masters and a handful of certificates. I want to travel and change the world. I want to find the reason behind autism and maybe find a cure. I want to travel. I want to write. Even though i can do all of those things still, my priorities were forced to change. I can't give my 150% into classes that I want to - though i do have a 4.33 GPA which is mostly based off of photographic memory.

    I guess what I am saying, Amber, is I would trade you. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person. But my family has been away for 7 weeks and I have been 2200 miles away from them, by myself. I enjoy it and I am going to miss it once it is gone. I love my daughter, I love my partner - that goes without being said. I would do anything for them. But, being single isn't always curse.

    And if you really want to have a "trial baby" - I'll lend you mine for a week... It'll cure you. She's cute, she's hysterical, but she acts like her birth mom...bossy, attitude-y, and impatient. =)

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  13. I responded anonymously but not sure it went through.

    Basically, even though I'm a guy, I kind of feel the same way. Without the contracting ovaries. (At least I hope so.) My cousin and her husband are expecting their second baby in two years.

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  14. Amen! I am in fact cat-sitting at this very moment which made reading this post that much more enjoyable. :)

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  15. Oh, Amber. I didn't think it was possible to love you more than I already did until I read the last part of this post.

    Clearly, you need to get a kitten. A tiny, tiny kitten.

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  16. I'm all for mommies, if there weren't any, i wouldn't have 5 of the cutest nieces and nephews. I'm heading into my mid 30's, and I've never once heard my biological clock ticking. There is nothing wrong with us ladies who don't hear motherhood calling. I just don't think i'm mommy material, and i'm ok with that.

    On that note we should start a club, not unlike Barney Stinson's Not a Fathers Day group, we could call it The Not a Baby Momma Group. The requirements to join said group would be 1) Must own at least one cat with plans to rescue 2 more by the end of the year. 2) Must like to sleep past dawn. 3)Must like to keep electrical sockets open and inviting to metal objects. and 4)Must break into sweat when someone asks you to change a diaper.

    If you fill all four of these requirements, you are just like me (sorry about that), join the club. More power to all women, whether you're a mommy or not.

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  17. Gosh darn it, Lola, I meet three out of four.. aside from not being female.

    I should start a club for Guys Who Are Only Children But Don't Want To Have Children Just To Continue the Family Line.

    Definitely a catchy name for a club.

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  18. It's odd being a single guy in these circumstances because I know these parties happen and there is NO WAY my friends would invite me, heck I don't think they would let me come if I found out about it through my spy networks. Many of my friends have started producing offspring and it scares the crap outta me. I'm great with kids, they love me (my guess is some santa resemblance helps) but they freak me out cause they are small and very fragile. I wouldn't be okay with someone handing me an expensive vase to hold correctly let alone their first born child. I am officially that guy, the single friend that while there isn;t a particular reason not to trust me with or around children no one does.

    Personally I'm fine with it, but it is very surreal having people in your life who suddenly develop a whole new facet to their personality that is slowly eroding all of the social behaviors that you used to expect from your friend. I don't mean to say my friends are becoming bad people but they are becoming parents, I never knew them as parents... hell these people did drugs and drank to excess around me a few years ago and now they worry about feeding times and appropriate cartoons.

    I think you should take a date to all of these new baby parties, that way you have someone who isn't all parental to chat with about something highly inappropriate when the tele tubby conversation enters minute 45 and you can have something to talk about with people other than how you're singe and their children are simply adorable. Plus having a single man around children tends to help ward people away... or at least having me around babies tends to ward people away... Maybe to kids I look like Santa and to adults I look like Hagrid. Maybe it's Hagrid on both counts.

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  19. I don't have any children. I never fantasized about being a mommy when I was little, and if I had a biological clock, one evening of having to wheel a friend's cranky toddler up and down the block for several hours so the child wouldn't cry took the bio clock to the top of the Empire State building and flung it off. There are people who really want to be parents, and most of them should be; there are people who really don't want to, and most of them shouldn't. Peace will come when you are sure which you are. It is fine either way.

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  20. Haha Weaver, which one didn't you meet? Was it the diapers? It was the diapers wasn't it.

    I have a few spare siblings, two sisters and one brother up for grabs. Take your pick then you won't have to worry about continuing the family line. The job would already be done....in a weird non-blood line kind of way.

    And yes GWAOCBDWTHCJTCTFL would make an awesome acronym for your group!

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  21. "I felt like a wallflower at the Homecoming Dance, sitting on the bleachers in my orthodontic headgear, hoping someone would take pity on me and ask me to dance."

    Cracked me up so, so much! Hahaha! Keep doing these blog posts, please they give me the best start to my morning!!

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  22. This happens to single guys too! I've been the single, free pet-sitter, I've been the one who causes there to be an odd numbered chair at the end of the table, and, now that the babies are older, I'm the one playing hide and seek while the 'adults' are in the kitchen drinking and laughing. Hell, I can't even ask to be set up with single women my friends know because I've lately found myself on the opposite side of the religious/political spectrum (I'm on the left, they're on the right, FWIW) and my friends don't know many people like me. So, believe me I feel your pain.

    Russell

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  23. I'm 21 and the babies have started to drop around the very outer reaches of my social circle. I have no plans on being a mother - expectant, accidental or otherwise - until a very distant and possible unreachable future. I have plans to be 'That Girl' complete with singleness and womb aching. I think there's a certain quiet pride in it. Plus you get to drink and sleep in and stuff. That's the life for me.

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  24. I stumbled upon death's daughter in a mall, stuffed in a small city in Canada.. I bought it out of curiosity. Although it's only at the beginning ( date with short dude )... I am finding it rather enjoyable. Quite witty. I've decided to do some creeping and came upon this blog.

    All that comes to mind is WHAT! If could get my music in other countries and have a quarter of your success.. I would fly around on an umbrella.. singing and offering my babysitting services to all.
    baby party = small price to pay.
    ps. You're super talented. :)


    K

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  25. I can relate to you, Kyah. See, the babyness in my world started when I was 19. My dad and his girlfriend were expecting. Three days after my youngest sister was born, my middle sister (the one that's two years younger than me), proclaims that SHE'S having a baby. So, that's a younger sister and a nephew -- right there, in one year.

    And then, while all of this was going on, one of my oldest friends decided that, if she got pregnant by her heroin-addicted rich boyfriend, it might cause him to marry her. (It didn't.)

    And that's not to mention the cousins. My great-grandma was one of 10; she herself had five children. That's a whole shitload of cousins popping out babies. So many babies. Everywhere. Like rabbits or something.

    And, at the tender age of 19, I felt bizarrely left out...like there was something wrong with ME for not being pregnant. But that was dumb, and I'll tell you why: I'm only 23 now. I love being single, despite the weird achy womb thing that's inherent in most of our kind, no matter our age. And by the time I'm actually ready to have kids? All of these current babies will be able to be babysitters. THEN, the timing will be perfect, the circle will be complete, etc.

    (That was longer than I intended.)

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  26. I currently have similar reactions; while I am married, we aren't planning on kids for a few years. Since we've already been married a few years, this is a little odd for some of our more conservative friends. Every time I hear about an old friend, they're having a baby. Or at least it seems like that right now. It's weird. It's like an epidemic.

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  27. Let's not forget that those adorable babies lead to an 18+ year full time job, during a large part of which they're just not adorable at all. I can speak from experience when I say that if you're parenting correctly it sure cuts into your writing time!

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  28. There is so much I could say that I can't even sum up. Suffice it to say, I well know wherefore you speak. There's a reason why I write/art/program and when I'm done I then write/art/program some more. It helps kill the time and, sometimes, the bills. On the plus side, the only drool I have to clean up is my own; so there's that.

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  29. Enjoy your childfree life! If you find yourself running out of childfree friends then that's an opportunity to make more friends.

    Also, remember, you can always adopt or foster. There's a lot of kids already in this world without needing to add even more.

    Incidentally, I read yesterday that not having children or leaving having children till later is a sign of above average intelligence. Childfree = Smart.

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  30. hehe That's great news. Now I can use that as an excuse for myself. 'The reason I don't have kids is simple. I'm smarter than you."

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  31. You are in kind of a "sweet spot" of a Baby wave among your friends. It lasts about 7 years I am told, then you become the cool auntie..

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  32. Joe aka AmberAddictDecember 19, 2011 at 3:33 AM

    I just want to say I think you’d look so cute with a mini Amber in toe and without question you’d be awesome Mum!

    I know a little about how it feels to be a 3rd wheel as I’m hopelessly single a number of my friends are in long relationships some have kids. Add to that I’m in my late twenties renting a room in my parent’s house and unemployed so I don’t think that will change anytime soon feel free to LOL if you want. On second thoughts I know you’re far too kind to laugh people even me.

    I’ve just had a thought if you a “date” for parties I can keep unwelcome people way basically bore them until they leave. One problem no one would believe you’d take me anywhere. We could say you did it for a bet they might buy that? LOL

    At times I feel lucky to be single and spend my free time doing what I not and don’t worry about anyone else Then I regret now having someone to share things with so I understand a little of the contradiction part.

    Don’t worry I never know where I’m going with most things!

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  33. Amber, I used to be you. I am not sure when i stopped being you. But i went from foot loose and fancy free to, "Hi, i am the stay at home dad with two daughters, but wait i am still cool, i'm a filmmaker and a musician and ... ya i am the stay at home dad with two daughters....
    Not sure when it happened. But it did.

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  34. I have grown children and when I tell my friends that I don't like babies, they laugh as if I were making a joke. But let one ask me to babysit and they quickly learn just how honest I am. And yet I am a baby charmer. I have an uncanny knack of luring any toddler within a few yards to wherever I may be. Children at a nearby table will flirt with me. Take me to a park and a little one will leave the play area to see my dog or ask me what I'm doing (usually reading or writing).

    A party where the adults barely outnumber the children? I'm not single and I would have found it hellacious!

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  35. "at the mercy of horny, divorced dads who only like you because your car doesn't have a car seat in it." - made me laugh out loud when I am supposed to be working! eek. Hilarious post.

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  36. I am pretty sure that even though I am not single, the only "children" Diana and I will have will be our pets. Cats, dog, and a hamster, FTW! ;)

    A humorous side note: one of our friends just had her baby on Friday.

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  37. You are kind of in a "peak spot" of baby years for your friends. I am told it last 4-7 years and then you become the cool auntie. As the kids grow you don't get that "shutout" from teens that they give to the relatives. Not because you spoil them but because they feel they can trust you and you listen. I spent the day with a family friend in your spot and it was quite interesting to watch my son light up talking to her, for a brief moment less a tween or a child but a small adult talking to another.

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  38. Well, Amber, Somewhere out there; Fate has created the perfect man and father of your child for you. So far; it seems, you've managed to avoid him. If it's any consolation (and I suppose I don't know why it should be) you're not alone on either side of the gender aisle- or the baby food aisle, either. But life is like a dirty diaper- you'll know soon enough when it's time to be changed.

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  39. I'm a single man and I totally get this. Luckily, I've avoided the kids but it seems like everyone around me is getting married and it's so weird. Sure, the surroundings are different but you can't look at it that way. Just enjoy things for what they are now and know that something is out there and is probably looking for you and wondering why there are so many married friends with kids suddenly.

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  42. If one more of my straight friends get married my closet is going to look like Katherine Heigl's in "27 Dresses".

    My last girlfriend that got married was already three months pregnant, they didn't find out until they had already set a date. Now, I'm a godmother.

    Don't get me wrong, I love her, her husband and the baby dearly, but what the hell people?

    I'm happily divorced - one of the best decisions I've ever made - but in the last two years I've been in six weddings. Anymore freakin' wedding cake and my ass will turn into one! I have nightmares where I'm being chased by the little plastic figurines from on top of the cakes - and again I say, what the hell?

    Is there a shot? Perhaps a vaccine? Dirty diapers give me hives - isn't that enough?

    Two of the six couples are adopting, which is a very noble thing to do, and I respect them greatly for doing it. On the other hand I can't help but think "better them than me".

    Another couple are expecting their second child in less than two years - yeah, they got right on that whole "be fruitful and multiply" bit, so that makes four of the original six couple now with kids or with them on the way in some form or another.

    Now I'm going into hiding.

    I can hide out until all the kids are all say - in school... I wonder if I can actually make that happen...

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  43. OMG! And it feels like they're judging you with their baby making eyes right? Like how dare you deny your biological, procreating clock. I hate those breeders. And to top it off, I'm a lesbian, so now they're all asking questions like, "Have you started looking for donors?" Or, "How much does IVF cost?" "Are you gonna adopt?" Or the even worse, "I have a nice guy friend who donates, maybe you can give him a call." Are you serious people? You are making my uterus shrivel up and if I'm not lucky sex will never been enjoyable ever again. And damnit! I'm tired of buying baby shower gifts, it's like I have to stack up on diaper cakes just to keep up with the demand for my presence. Ugh! I digress. I could go on forever.

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  44. I'm right there with you; I'm single, female, and pretty much the same age as you. And it always seems that life displays the very things that you didn't know you wanted or envied until your very own possibility for those is taken away. I often wonder why in the middle of a serious conversation, I see a cute animal or baby, and then end serious phrases in silly baby-talk aimed at such cuteness. But I know why: those darn maternal hormones. I say, have fun with your single-dom (despite how hard it may have been becoming single), work on making yourself happy no matter what, and somehow it'll all work out when you least suspect it. That's what I tell myself as I try to make myself happy as a 30-something single female in NYC. And that's my plan for the new year -- do things to make myself happy. Are you with me, Amber? :)

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  45. im 30 and and everyone around me is getting married and having childern. at time i want what they have. othertimes i just what to work on my life and making it better. I Think when we are meant to have kids we will, for now joy you friend kids than go home and enjoy your life

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  46. I'm not even especially old (22 last week) & half the girls I went to school with are married, or have babies, or both. It's unsettling. We are not old enough for these things.

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  47. First, serious comment; if I've said anything inappropriate in off-hand comments about you and the other AB lately, I'm sorry. (I did think you were cute together, though.)

    Second, also serious; what a person would be good at and what's right for them aren't the same thing.

    I'm worst of both worlds; a divorced dad who doesn't ever hit on anyone anymore, but for you I'd feel forced to make an exception, considering the publicty photo from _Chance_ and the pen-and-ink sketch made by one of the Kittens posted on my wall.

    Seriously, I am really liking Amber the Humorist more with each blog. DaddyCatALSO

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  48. Wow this blog is really interesting and i feel bad for you, but i can say 1 thing, trust your self and move on...
    Pet Sitting Plano

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  49. I'm just catching up on some of your blog. I should be sleeping because my kids are asleep and they will get up early no matter what time mama went to bed. Anyway, wanted to say hi. Years ago I had one friend who had a kid and then a few others joined in. I went to a party at his house and said to my best friend, "Man, all they talk about is there freakin' kids! When I have kids I won't be like that--I'll still have a life." Then I had kids and everything changes. I get why people talk about them because 1) it's hard to do much else except parent and 2) you want to feel like others get you. It's just a thing.

    I know some single friends who just went ahead and had a baby with a donor. I think you reach a point and if you want kids, you just say "screw the guy...I'll make my own." Or you adopt. Or you just get a puppy. Puppies are good and they can be left at home when you need a break. Kids can too if you're willing to pay or find kind friends like yourself to babysit. ;)

    Anyway, hello and I'm liking your blog so far. I have a blog too but it's private so anyone who wants in can send me a message. I think I can only do it by email. Stupid.

    So yeah...we chatted eons ago. I gave you a painting of Buffy as the Wizard of Oz in Toronto. I was such a dork back then. :P Angele and I married back then...8.5 years now. And now we have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats and a partridge in a pear tree. Not really but we have the space if there are partridges looking.

    Anyway, hello again and keep your chin up. Those friends with kids are jealous of you in some ways too. The grass is always greener... ;)

    stacey_bourgeois@hotmail.com

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  50. I have no children. I never dreamed as a mom, when I was a child, if I have a biological clock, one night don't wheel friend's curious toddler up and down the block a few hours so the child won't cry biological clock the Empire State Building, and throw it away. Some people really want to become parents, most of them should be; Some people really don't want to and most of them should not be. Peace will be in you sure you. This is a good either way.

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  51. Second, also serious; what a person would be good at and what's right for them aren't the same thing.

    I'm worst of both worlds; a divorced dad who doesn't ever hit on anyone anymore, but for you I'd feel forced to make an exception, considering the publicty photo from _Chance_ and the pen-and-ink sketch made by one of the Kittens posted on my wall.

    Seriously, I am really liking Amber the Humorist more with each blog. DaddyCatALSO

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