Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Alcohol Consumption

I can't drink. I literally have one drink and I am tipsy. Two drinks and I am a red-faced babble-head. Three drinks...I think you can figure out the rest of the progression chart.

Tonight I had a beer and a half. Now I feel like crud. I was halfway to babble-headedness and then I just didn't make it.

I should have stuck with one beer.

No, I should've finished the second one and made the leap to red-faced status.

Living in this limbo land of half-finished drinks is sucky. None of the fun, with all of the queasiness alcohol leaves behind as some sort of screwy parting gift once the buzz is gone. This is why I could never be a drunk. My tolerance is for crap. I can't get to the nasty drunk state because I can't get enough alcohol into my system.

I have only thrown-up twice (maybe three times, but two very distinct times). Once I took a sip of champagne cocktail, half a beer, some scotch, two sips of Jagermeister and half a mudslide. Not a ton of alcohol, but so many varieties, oh, so very many, that my stomach couldn't handle it.

The other throw-up adventure I went on was after a book signing in NY. I had two glasses of wine and not much food (then lots of food). I started feeling nauseous, so Chris Golden gave me a Dramamine to stop the churning. It didn't help. I spent awhile in my editor, Steve's, bathroom hugging the john while Chris, Steve and his wife Dana and my friend Liesa all laughed at me. Then Liesa and I slept on the pullout couch in the living room and drunkenly talked about Batman.

I don't know why I felt like sharing, but there is something compelling about blogging, something that makes you want to tell the blunt truth, no matter what an idiot you look like in the process.

47 comments:

  1. Maybe you just need more practice. Although I would never condone drinking to excess. Never. ;-)

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  2. Getting thoughts down is so cathartic I suppose, I can see why people do it. Not sure anyone will agree that you look stupid.

    On the subject of drinking, I have the opposite problem. I had about seven pints of guinness (aka a chilled drink for chilled people) and half a bottle of red on Sunday and didn't feel nearly as bad as I should on Monday. Maybe it's 'cos I've cut down.

    Cheers
    ForeverChanges

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  3. I don't drink, but I assume that if I did I'd find out that I inherited my mother's inability to stay alert after half a glass of red wine.

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  4. I actually don't drink anymore. I'll have a cocktail with dinner but I unfortunately went to an arts school where drinking was just what everyone did to cope with their art blocks. I got all my alcoholic tendencies out by the time I hit 19.

    I do have a friend however who gets sick just like you, so I feel your pain from a distance!


    Lets think of it this way though, at least we are swollen from 1 vodka tonic too many!

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  5. and by are I meant aren't. I'm going to bed now, no worries.

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  6. You need to lay down a nice base of carbs an hour or so before drinking. A nice plate of pasta will do fine. Keep the starches going as you drink and you may fair better. I'm not going to regale you with the night I downed 5 mugs of tequila sunrises and didn't even get tipsy - that was in my dim, dim past...

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  7. I used to be able to drink loads (which isn't a good thing but I was a student), then I drank nothing for a few years, and now I am exactly like you. Two beers is a big night.

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  8. So a funny thing happened on the way to my vet appointment. You see, my feral cat had gotten into the scotch again and lacerated a ten year old's face up, then got in a fight with the cops. The judge decided to force my cat to get a lobotomy, but what with a cat's brain being tiny like Verne Troyer, my expertise was needed. For, as I mentioned, I am quick work with an icepick. The stabby deed done, and done dirt cheap, I enjoyed my fine Malaysian scotch, which was now filled with cat hairs.

    I think what I'm trying to say is moderation in all things.

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  9. On the bright side being such a light weight has it's good points - its a lot cheaper lol
    My tolerance used to be pretty good but after giving it up for two years and now only drinking rarely i find i get merry quite quickly.
    mixing drinks is never good though. It always seems like a good idea at the time (i'll just try a small one, it'll be fine) and then comes the yuckiness.

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  10. I come from a drinking nation. Drunkeness and beer is our past time. We make the greatest beer in the world and we have the largest beer company in the world.
    I am a traitor to that tradition.
    My beer consumption is non existent compared to my peers. I have not been submitted for beer drinking school yet but I fear the beer indoctrination squads are on to me. I found a pilsner in my mail box, and I threw it away. But I could feel eyes on me.

    The problem is that I am such a light weight that if there is a micro litre/microgram of alcohol in anything. I get drunk, a headache and a hangover AT THE SAME TIME.

    There's been talk of deporting me.

    And for cruddy alcohol crappy feelingness, eat dry bread, soaks up the alcohol in your stomach, and then take a protein supplement like lecithin to counteract the effects of alcohol comsumption.

    And blogs are evil. Cos the do make say stupid things sometimes

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  11. lol so you would like to become a drunk person?. It's good you can't drink loads! you wont have none of those embarassing last night situations.

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  12. clearly, the only solution is to go straight to glue-sniffing.

    *sage nodding*

    yep. gotta go for the glue.

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  13. Cecil Adam's Big Cure for the Holiday Hangovers: a little honey (the kind in a jar, gutter-minds) and/or various multi-vitamins. The effectiveness of either of these is disputed by The Experts, but what do they know? They can't cure the common cold, either.

    Personally, I've always been just a Social Drinker, and not much of one at that: a quick drink or two at the start of the evening for "loosening up" and the rest of night my best friend is Pepsi on the Rocks.

    I can't say I am much for beer, regardless. My poison o'choice tends to be whiskey sours. In an Irish bar, my inner Gaelic drives me to try the Guinness. But only one.

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  14. oh this sounds so like me. I get to the "drunkenly-falling-over-whilst-trying-to-act-completely-sober" stage after about 2 drinks. It has been known to be quite amusing.

    However, I never throw up. Somewhere, something in my genes is telling me not to waste the precious alcohol. Damn genes.

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  15. Yes, I have learned to pick one drink and stick with it the whole night. Unfortunately, it took a few bad experiences to learn this. Okay, many bad experiences.
    My tolerance is a little weird. Sometimes I'm drunk, sometimes I'm tipsy, sometimes I feel nothing at all.

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  16. the bright side is that you can be quite a cheap date ;) just kidding of course... I never get drunk "easily" though, which might also be a good thing. Almost no hangovers and though I love blogging, I guess I should not share my throw-ups with you here in public ;)

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  17. I don't drink either, it just doesn't react well with me so I'd much rather spend my money on things I enjoy more and last longer.

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  18. I am a heavyweight when it comes to body mass, but when it comes to drinking... I am like you, a lightweight.

    For some reason, all my drinking life alcohol poisoning is about at the "tipsy" stage, so I get to the "buzz" stage, then I am sick.

    So I live on just one drink and a tingly nose, just to be social.

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  19. I've discovered the hard way that drinking is overrated anyhow. Perhaps it's because the only reason I drank was because I was unaware of the actual drinking (my brother is a mastermind), but that night I spent $100 on gossip magazines and Combos. And then stayed up the rest of the night puking.

    And you know, the reason for blogs is to tell the blunt truth... So if you're an idiot, then I'm an idiot... and I don't think I'm an idiot, so therefore you're not. Crazy logic is that.

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  20. Ahh I feel you're pain, two beers and 10 energetic dancing minutes later and I'm sick. Not even drunk first! Now I've given up.

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  21. I don't know, Miss Amber, that just doesn't seem fair for you. I feel sad about this. :(

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  22. I like the glue sniffing comment. Definitely not ready to move to the dark side, though, just yet :)

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. glue sniffing Amber!!! go for the glue sniffing!!!

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  25. I want to know what you had drunkenly to say about Batman...

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  26. I've been drinking since I was 16 but have never been able to get drunk. For my 21 b-day I had 3 margaritas 7 strawberry dackerys and some tequila shots and was not even tipsy. I blame on all the pain killers that I've had to take in the past I think that might be something to do with it but I'm not sure. I feel sad that you can't even have 2 beers (ewwww don't like them) and already be throwing up. Mabey I should send you some meds that I have for whenever I feel sick and throw up, you just rub on your wtist and stops you from throwing up, but knocks you out at the same time

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  27. well, at least, when you're tipsy you don't call all your friends to tell them you like them...
    My last calls was friday night, and i almost slip about my crush for one of my best (girl)friend...

    So enjoy your throwing up ;)

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  28. I am from a part of France borderline with Belgium. Belgium has as many beers as we have cheeses. But in my family the tradition is wine.
    Alsacian white wine to be precise. Except, I don't drink much;
    Kinda like you. Not much for the timber. Oops sorry that was Tara not you, and I meant wine. Alcohol.
    Alsacian white wine is very yummy though. (I'm more for sweet wine than dry and they do more dry ones than sweet but still good). So from time to time I try some.
    Keyword: try. Half a glass. I can't more. It gets me tipsy enough. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really from this family. (kidding).
    Family meals where I drink a glass:
    "Julia is drinking wine?!!"
    "What? Is she? wow you're drinking wine now?"
    "Well drinking..; sort of? It's got nice taste?"
    "Oh do you want to try the Riesling? Or the sylvanner? No? But you should! The gewurstraeminner (if you can pronounce this, it means you're already quite drunk) is sweet. Maybe some Crément?"

    Oh dear I should never drink half a glass in front of my grandfather or my uncles. Or in front of them when our viticulturist friends...

    My favorite poison: very sweet punch (cinnamon free)and "pissang orange". I think I drink about 7 or 8 glasses of alcohol... a year.

    I can totally testify about the "anonymous" comment above. I'm not the crush friend though, and I so wish I was a fly to know what she said! :p

    Oh and please don't feel idiot. For if you're an idiot, then most of us are, and then are you saying we're idiots? :p *tries to talk like the godfather* "Are you talking to me?" j/k

    Hope this morning you don't have a hangover. Hangover=bad.

    And be thankful: you don't become a cave-slayer!

    One last comment and then I swear I'm off! Mixes of acohols during the evening always end with a nice alone time with jonh ;)

    ok now it's really the last but: Batman rocks but I so wanna get to know Batwoman now!

    Now I'm the idiot, the crazy comment-whore. Please send a straightjacket over here (and some glue)! ;)

    A not drunk but very babble-y Julia. *become as red as her hair*

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  29. I have a very strict three drink limit. If I have more than that, I am always hung over the next day and it's never worth it. :-) having a limit is better than what happens when you go over it!

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  30. Or maybe you should just enjoy all the other cool stuff in life that actually don't make you sick :)

    I just read that more than 90 percent of all crime is alcohol related. Sounds like there would be an easy solution to big problems but I guess people aren't up for making the sacrifice.

    Not my intention to be a party pooper, I just think life's pretty incredible without things that keep me from appreciating it.

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  31. what you need to do is get lots of non-alcholic beer and switch the labels on them with regular beer, then drink like 60 of them and impress all your friends with your suddenly developed high tolerance for alchol. They will then try to match you, so be ready with the camera - being sober has its advantages - and enjoy taking lots of embarrassing pics of them all content in the knowledge that they cant do the same to you... then let the mocking/blackmailing begin lol

    have you tried shandy rather than beer? Or switching to a brand with a very low alchol level?

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  32. Eight years of cleaning up after people in my ex-hotel job have put me off of alcohol but I am totally with you Amber in that I am a total lightweight when it comes to alcohol. One beer and head starts swimming although I did enjoy the bottle of wine our table shared at Moonlight Rising 2006.

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  33. I am Irish and I don't drink. I always love the looks of disbelief I get when I say this. I am a bartender though, which makes for entertaining stories that support my decision to not drink.

    Actually, the only thing I will drink is a cider with dinner sometimes, which I did just now. Slightly giggly and lightheaded. Quite entertaining. Now I am going to see Coraline with my gay boyfriend. Awesome.

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  34. I stopped drinking after my 21st birthday party, when I woke up with a concussion. They tell me I had a good time, but what's the point if you can't remember it?

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  35. Poor poor you! I am a lightweight too. One drink usually makes me tipsy and -giddy-...if I keep drinking I get dizzy and sleeeeeepy. I think my max was 4 drinks and 2 shots - that was the night I also learned not to eat barbecue pizza when drinking...or at least not the kind where your friend's idea of barbecue pizza is to poor -an entire bottle- of barbecue sauce onto some pizza dough along with a bag of cheese. I didn't yak that night, but it felt like a strong possibility for several torturous hours.

    Speaking of nausea, have you ever tried acupressure for nausea? (not necessarily going to do much against a stomach flu, but for stuff like motion sickness or inebriation it's worth a shot) - 3 easy steps on how to do it can be found at: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Nausea-With-Acupressure

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  36. Holy cow. You are so wonderfully normal! I love it!

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  37. lol, you know that happens. There are days where I can drink a lot of alcohol and dont feel anything... and then there are the days when you would drink just one beer and you crying for jesus to redeem you.

    But I learned my lesson with 17... DO NOT PLAY DRINKING GAMES... you're always the one crying for jesus...

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  38. Madeline Carol Matz is right. Carbing up always helps. Still, if a lightweight is what you are- count yourself blessed. There are those who are less fortunate.

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  39. I firmly believe our alcohol tolerances were separated at birth. I'm a terrible lightweight.

    Looking forward to the book. Hopefully my editor will pass along a copy for me to review, if not I'll run out and buy it!

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  40. never mix your drinks!

    And I don't think just anyone can become a nasty drunk

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  41. I'm yet another lightweight. I get teased too. At least now, I know I'm not alone. Mixing drinks is a bad idea though. My sis taught me that one and ironically, she is not a lightweight.

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  42. i know this is kind of old but I thought I'd tell you my secret to hangover prevention, not sure it'll let you drink more at the time though lol. Kombucha, which is this fermented tea drink that a lot of people think tastes really gross, which you can get at Whole Foods and lots of health food stores. It's really great for cleaning junk out of your system, and if I drink one while drinking it helps out sometimes, but if I have one after drinking too much it will prevent the hangover completely the next day. If I miss that stage and drink it when I'm hung over, it'll get rid of it completely. It's pretty amazing stuff.

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